Person 18: James

I honestly don't think that I've ever been hurt by anyone more than by James except for my mother. And if I'm being honest, I don't even know how to start this post.

I feel stupid. And foolish. Who is he? Why does he even matter? We went on three dates. Just three dates. How can someone that you've only been on three dates with ever hurt you as much as I am hurt right now? It's ridiculous and humiliating. But the truth is that I really liked him. I really, really liked him. I thought that it was him. Which is ridiculous, believe me, I know. But that first date I really felt like something fell into place. I felt like something had been found when I hadn't even ever felt like there had been something missing in the first place. I felt like Heavenly Father really put people on this planet intended for you. He shouldn't have mattered that much, but he did.

When I asked James on a fourth date and he said that he'd call when he got back into town, and then never did, I was devastated. I was hurt and I was mad.

I dated Dave because I wanted to date James so badly but he didn't really want to date me. And I hated every moment of dating Dave when I realized why we were dating. We would literally be in the middle of kissing and I would start to cry because I wished so badly to be kissing James instead. Who does that?

And I still liked him. And I hated myself for that. I hate myself for liking someone so much when they had absolutely no feelings whatsoever for me. And then I auditioned for Humor U. And he didn't say anything. And when he didn't say anything, it was worse than not getting a call back. And then I got pissed. I was literally so mad. I was mad at him, but mostly I was mad at myself for expecting him to say something. Again, I just felt ridiculous and humiliated. And then I went cold. I stopped caring about everything. I literally stopped caring for the people around me. I like to say that the only exceptions were Boyd and Hayley, but looking back I wonder if they thought that I cared about them. I certainly wasn't nice, but I was a lot nicer than I was to anybody else. Pretty much, I just stopped feeling. I was heart broken and humiliated and I reacted by not feeling anything around me. I simply hated the world.

I would probably still hate him if he hadn't been nice to me after this last round of "auditions" for Humor U. Instead, he said nice things and so I forgave him. But I'm terrified that because I forgave him and he was nice that I'll fall right back into feeling for him again.

I'm still cold. I feel like I'm in the recovery process. I don't completely care for everyone again, but I'm getting closer and warmer to it.