That's What I'm Talking About!

"You're gorgeous!"

"Dance with your heart."

"You are the star for which all evenings wait."

"Naughty can be nice."

"You're allowed to do nothing."

Thank you, Dove chocolates, for providing me with such sweet sentiments throughout my workday.

Age and Marriage, Married and Single

I'm currently in St. George visiting my mom for Christmas. Something that really bothers me about my mom is her focus on dating and getting married. She talks about how other women are jealous of her because all the men dance with her at dances. She talks about how guys aren't good enough for her because they're fat and not very tall (keep in mind that I'm taller than my mom and that she would weigh well over 250 pounds right now if it weren't for a surgery called gastric bypass). So far this weekend the following male names have come up from her:

Mark
Paul
Jody
Kevin
Glade
Jim

And this list is not complete. Yesterday she casually mentioned to me and Jason that it's more likely that she'll get married and have another baby before she gets a grandchild. She talks about how she doesn't drive to church with her roommate because she would rather go with a man. She says that her roommate is psycho because she freaks out if my mom hasn't been home all day and isn't home at midnight and hadn't mentioned that she was going to be somewhere. And it bothers me that my mom doesn't realize that that's natural. While I don't really worry about my roommates like that right now I definitely have in the past. And I feel like my mom doesn't care at all about the women around her. She'll do whatever she needs to do to get a man or to have male company although as she has told me several times this weekend, she doesn't feel like it's the right time or that she's met the right man. So why does she push the women out of her way to win the men?

Today I went to her ward, a ward for singles over the age of 30. It's such a sad situation and place to be. While we as younger singles feel pressured to get married, it is not our sole purpose in life. We go to school. We have jobs. We have hobbies. We have friends and roommates. The older singles have these things too, but my mom is not the only one that has their daily life revolving around interactions with the opposite sex, as I have heard her roommate and friends saying things similar to her.

Maybe I feel exempt from the dating madness in my wards because I've always been standoffish and unfriendly. But looking at my Relief Society I don't see it as these girls are each other's competition. We are a sisterhood of friends. And I am really glad that I don't feel like everyone around me is competing against me or not wanting me around because I am the same sex that they are. While marriage is important, and I will never say that it isn't, I feel like this way of thinking is only damaging to people.

I also want to put a word out their for young married people: just because we're still single does not:

a. make you better than us
b. give you permission to try to set us up with every single person you know (singlehood is not a common interest)
c. allow for you to stop spending time with us.

I completely understand that your spouse is the person you are spending eternity with. And I think that it's important to spend time with them. I hope that you like them, as you have chosen them. But, I think that it is ridiculous when people get married and drop their single friends. It doesn't feel like we don't have much in common. It feels like we're not good enough. As if our singlehood is either catching or embarrassing or something to feel bad about when you were single just a few months before. I worry that one day I will get married and my married friends will all of a sudden want to start hanging out. As if being married is a common interest. It upsets me to see people who have almost nothing in common except a marriage hanging out while I feel dropped even though I have more in common with one of them. Does that make sense?

Here's the thing. I don't feel awkward around married people. My best friend got married right out of high school. And let's not forget that Boyd and Hayley are married to each other and I feel like they're part of my family. I do not feel awkward hanging out with my married female friend and her husband. I do not feel like it is necessary for me to have a male friend with me in order to do so. I would just encourage those of you who are married not to drop your single friends once you get married. No one likes to feel like they've lost a friend. I know that friendships change as you become closer to your spouse and that free time for other friends tapers off. But please, do not write us off.

P.S. Shout out to Megan Peterson/Palmer, who I swear I've only become closer to now that she's married. Megan, you are pretty fantastic, and I love hanging out with you and Greg. And swimming with you. And I'm going to miss your butt now that you're taking Denver by storm.

Married friends, single friends, I love you all. Merry Christmas, all you wonderful people! Here's to friendship and noncompetitive feelings in my single's ward.

Third Wave

I stumbled upon this (literally Stumbledupon) and I agree with the author's ideas. I think that it nicely defines what my kind of feminism is.

1. There must be a widespread understanding that feminism does apply to men. Therefore, men who stand up for feminist issues may, and should, be identified as feminist. It is counterproductive and hypocritical to discuss gender equality while simultaneously creating a double standard towards males who share feminist values.

2. While transsexual acceptance and rights are an important aspect of third wave feminism, it must understood that not every person is as educated on the topic as some are. Unless clear transphobia (a bigoted attitude transsexuals) is exemplified, ignorance should be contacted with empathy and, bluntly, education. Feminist infighting only hurts the cause.

3. Fox "News", World Net Daily, CNS News, Drudge Report, and The Fox Nation are all unreliable, far-right, anti-feminist sources. While some feminists legitimately speak out against the mainstream media's approach to feminism (which is more times than not negative), we must understand that these sources are beyond saving. While more feminists should be encouraged to appear in these sources arguing for the benefits of feminism, feminists should simultaneously discourage the use of them for anything else.

4. Applying make-up, nail polish, shaving legs, and most other sexist, cosmetic double standards are NOT antitheses to being a feminist - the motivation behind the products are. While these products are all derived from the sexist ideal of a "perfect" woman, many women (and men, for that matter) enjoy these items; there's nothing wrong with that choice. However, there is an inherent problem when there is no choice involved. Feminists should be strongly encouraged to consider the motivations behind their habits but not castigated for living them out.

5. Feminists can be from any religion, race, creed, gender, socioeconomic class, country of origin, sexual orientation, relationship status, height, status of ability, experience or lifestyle. While some religions and lifestyles have very anti-feminist sentiments, accepting individuals of these communities will allow us to spread our message to even the most unlikely repentants. Feminism is about equality, not discrimination.

6. As feminists, we cannot allow sexism or objectification to happen to males, like it has to females. As embarrassing as Rush Limbaugh, Micheal Savage, or Bill O'Reilly and their visions of oppressed, white, straight, Christian males are, we must remember that white, straight, Christian, males need to be treated with the equality they deserve.

7. All women who are politicians, actresses, singers, CEO's, or in any position of power are NOT necessarily feminists. While feminism has enabled most of these women to suceed, that does not mean that they currently identify with it. Sarah Palin, Tila Tequila, Michelle Bachman, and Lady GaGa are not feminists due to their success.

8. Despite the Republican party's strong anti-feminist stances, being a member of the Republican party does not mean that one is inherently anti-feminist. Many economic conservatives hold strong feminist values. It hurts the feminist movement when possibly dedicated people are needlessly excluded.

9. Feminists must remember that men are sometimes the victims of sexual assault; not just women. Also, men are not always the assailant. While, statistically, women are usually raped by men at a much greater level, one must never forget that unconventional sexual assault is still sexual assault.

10. While one can be a feminist and personally oppose abortion, taking away a woman's right to choose is an inherently anti-feminist position. There are many people that are pro-choice, but would personally never condone or undergo an abortion procedure. This is a very controversial subject, however an extremely important one as well; feminists cannot be silent or waver on the issue of abortion.

11. In cases of rape, victim blaming is always unacceptable. However, over time, there multiple cases have occurred in which the "victim" has lied about being raped for personal gain. While these attacks are very, very infrequent, feminism must not be blind to their existence.

12. Feminism must be unafraid to call "fakers" out. Every time that Sarah Palin would call herself a feminist (before promptly contradicting herself), every time Tammy Bruce agrees with Bill O'Reilly, and every time plastic surgery is marketed as a "liberating" thing to do, real feminists must speak up! How can the true message of feminism reach the people if it is drowned out by all of these fake feminists?

13. Making sexist comments against men, in favor of women, is a directly un-feminist action. Whether it be a joke from a progressive, Dana Perino discussing the Mark Sanford affair, or anything else, these comments enforce gender stereotypes and are still sexist.

14. There is nothing wrong with choosing to live in a traditional lifestyle (being a stay-at-home mom, wearing a burqa, having the male in a heterosexual relationship be the breadwinner, etc.), but there are major problems with expecting it and castigating those who do not fit into it. This being said, people who choose to live in traditional lifestyles must respect others choices as well.

15. Reaching out to younger people is one of the most important actions that third-wave feminists need to accomplish. Many myths about feminism - "feminism is irrelevant", "feminists are sexist against men", "feminism is only for women", etc. -are accepted as truth to an alarming number of young people. If feminists hope to keep the movement alive, then young people must have exposure to feminist ideologies.

From here.

Soundtrack of my Life Part III

This song came out during summer 2009. I loved it instantly. It's sad and it's beautiful. And it was my theme song throughout the days of Dave.

This song brings me back to a time where I liked a boy a lot. And then found myself alone with a broken heart and jumping into a relationship I don't think I even wanted to be in. This song racked my heart as inside I cried to myself constantly about wanting James and having Dave. I knew that Dave and I weren't headed anywhere. I did not want him to last past the summer. And he didn't. Because apparently he didn't want me to last past the summer, either. I suppose I deserved that.

I hoped throughout our whole relationship that I would "forget the words to my favorite song." I hoped to forget James and to settle with what I had and felt that I deserved.

Everyone tells you not to settle. But when I look back at my life two and a half years ago at a relationship I thought that I was settling to be in and find that I haven't been in another one since then, it's hard to think that I was settling at all. Maybe Dave is the only boy I will ever kiss. Maybe I'll have to settle for him or someone like him. Or maybe, they'll have to settle for me. I feel like I know that I can do better, but the lack of proof to back that up takes that belief away from me. Maybe this is a call to faith.

Back to the song. It makes me feel melancholy. Like the girl two and a half years ago that wanted what she thought that she could have but couldn't. Like the girl who betrayed her heart to not be lonely. Like the girl I hope to one day outgrow.

Soundtrack of my Life Part II

This song frequently rotated on my "Goodnight Jessica" playlist as I fell asleep (sometime around senior year of high school, or just after). However, I had illegally downloaded it from Limewire and it was a radio version. At the end of the song this dark, creepy voice would come on and say something and it would turn my almost-asleep self into a wide awake, panicked and terrified self. It would always take me awhile to fall asleep after hearing it, no matter how close I was before it played.

However, this song does not usually bring that memory up whenever I hear it. Instead, I think about Sam. Sam and I met the first day of freshman orientation at Channel Islands High School. She was wearing acid washed jeans and I was wearing bleached pink jeans. We thought that we were so cool. We ended up in the same orientation group and we just clicked. We both had lunch with our junior high friends and talked about how there was another girl in our orientation group that we liked. We wouldn't see each other again until the second day of the second semester, when I arrived in the English honors class and was assigned to sit next to her. She turned to me, leaned over and said, "I voted for you for freshman publicity when you ran for student counsel!" which I had lost. And then we were pretty much stuck like glue.

We endured many years of high school drama. She put up with my jealousy whenever she got a new boyfriend. I put up with her ditching me whenever she got a new boyfriend. We spent many a Friday night on the balcony of Barnes and Noble reading poetry aloud to each other. We recorded every poem in a notebook every time we went. Our parents both questioned our sexuality, which was quite unnecessary. She was my Tham and I was her JessJess. She was there for me when my mom left my dad, and through every one of my mom's boyfriends. She inspired me to play the piano more. She was the most talented writer and I wanted to be just like her. She scored higher than me on the SAT which led me to crying because I knew that I would never get into Wellesley. In fact, Sam introduced me to Wellesley when she showed me the movie Mona Lisa Smile. We were a pair.

This song makes me think of driving up the 101 freeway with Sam in the late afternoon. She had recently found out she was pregnant and had probably already gotten married. I was in my own state of confusion as I grappled with not being in school, having not been able to afford NYU. As we drove I felt like we were embarking on an adventure that led to something neither of us had a clue about. We were stepping off the ledge of a cliff together, but separately, into our own unknowns.

Life never turns out the way you expect it to. Sam had this plan to be a writer. She always figured she'd apply to Biola University. I used to call and leave her messages along the lines of: This is so and so from B-ola University, calling for Samantha. But she had become inspired toward the end of high school by Invisible Children and she wanted to move to San Diego and go to Cuyamaca Community College while she worked for Invisible Children. While she did eventually end up in San Diego is was with a husband and a baby. I had thought that I would be at NYU getting a world class education. Instead, I was out of school without a job.

Things still haven't worked out as expected. I don't think either of us are where we figured we'd be in five years from then. She has this beautiful little girl and a house. But Casey's always gone and marriage is hard. And I would have figured I'd be well on my way to medical school with a husband by my side. But that's life. And I wouldn't have mine any other way. And even though Sam has been through some rough things in the last couple of years, I don't think that on the brink of her marrying Casey she would have had it any other way. And when August throws her arms around her neck and tells her she loves her, I doubt she could ever wish for another life than the one she has right now. But I guess I can't speak for Sam.

Soundtrack of my Life

Listen as you read:



It was last fall. I lived in the Linford and it was close enough to go home in between classes, which I did frequently. I loved my quiet hours in that apartment. Heather would either be asleep or gone. Marie would be out doing her busy bee things. And I had the apartment to myself. I recall those days as being light, happy and carefree. In truth, I had never done as bad in school as I had that semester, but it didn't seem like it was that bad. I remember spending whole afternoons laying on the overly fluffy and comfortable couch with the blinds open allowing the sun to bathe the living room.

And I remember the blond boy. This song reminds me of the happy and hopeful times with that blond boy. It reminds me of Fridays without class where I would spend the mornings in my tan grandpa sweater and I would frequently run upstairs to visit Megan with a cup of hot chocolate. That fall semester was heavenly. Besides the psycho roommate, everything was grand. There were bumps along the way where I wondered why that blond boy didn't love me. But that fall semester was fresh and hopeful. Just like this song.

Mmhmm.

I've been a bad record keeper. I fully admit it.

In my defense, my life has been full of school and work and church stuff. It's been a busy semester and I wish I could say that it will pay off with good grades but the truth is that it definitely will not be. I've been treading water.

Also, I feel like the only thing in my life to talk about right now is how I am so lost and confused about what I'm going to be doing after graduation. And I, more than anyone, wish that I had an answer of some type. But I don't. Hopefully I'll be happy and not feeling like a mess. But you never know.

In quick family updates, Jacob wants to join the military. Apparently I am the only person to raise the question of whether or not he should go into the military because he's gay. I just think that regardless of whether or not Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed, that change doesn't happen in a day and people who join the military aren't usually so gay friendly.

I'm going to my mom's for Christmas, and I recently found out that Jason is, too. It's that much more of a burden now to go.

I'm thinking about a few ways to revitalize my writing. I have some good ideas. Hopefully my last semester of school won't be too bad and I'll have some progress in my life to share and more to talk about than just Marie not being here. I've wanted to talk about Marie leaving for quite sometime, but I feel as if it's not quite appropriate yet. There are other things that I want to share. Personal things. I've thought about sharing them and then I recall the time that I tried to be honest about how I felt about the failure of my book club and how Levi and I didn't talk for months after that. Not that I didn't deserve it. I just mean that most people in my life check this out every once in awhile, and when what I want to say may not go over so well with them, it's hard. Maybe that'll be my theme for the next few weeks.

I'm exploring alternate routes for after graduation. Not that I'm giving up on med school, because I'm not. But I feel like I won't be getting accepted (or an interview, for that matter) anywhere so I need a back up plan. And that is all.

"Do you think I'm going to get into med school?"

"No, I don't."

And with that, freedom.