Story Time Part 2

So once upon a time I wrote a post about a boy on a mission that I had been writing to. Said boy has since come home (June, I believe...). Deciding not to be the creeper that we all know I am I decided to not add him as a friend on Facebook, or to contact him in anyway, as writing a complete stranger a letter is creepy enough as it is. A month after he got home, he added me as a friend. So I sent him a message welcoming him home and asking how life was treating him. He didn't respond. That was awkward enough, but I tend to make things even more awkward than they already are.

One night at the beginning/middle of August I decided to write him another message. All I said was that I missed writing him letters. And again, there was no response. Now I'm feeling stupid and awkward. It is quite apparent that this is not going to become a friendship, but rather stay as what it always was: a girl writing a stranger on his mission. I will forever be the girl that he didn't know that wrote to him, and never anything more. I think I'm okay with this, except for the fact that I do feel stupid and awkward. And...

Today at church Marie and I were in the foyer waiting for Heather so we could walk home. I glanced around and saw him. And in that moment I panicked. I turned around really fast, looked at Marie and said, "we need to go. We need to go right now." And we did. I practically ran out of the church building. You see, right now the last thing I want to do (out of extreme embarassment) is make eye contact or talk to him or anything. Instead, I want to move to ensure that we do not have church in the same building. I want to avoid the duck pond. Yes, my beloved duck pond. And I definitely don't want to run into him on the hill up to campus from Helaman Halls.

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

[Wo]man was not Meant to be Alone.

This week I learned the truth of this. I moved the rest of my stuff over to my new apartment last Saturday afternoon. Since then, I have mostly alternated between two settings: having visitors over (Marie, Boyd & Hayley, Rochelle and mostly Skyler) and laying on my living room floor being immensely lonely and wondering what to do with myself. It's strange not having MegP there just past the bathroom, or knowing that approximately three times a day I would be eating with my best friends. It's hard working the desk and not having people pop by to share a pizza or a slow shift with.

And, as I lay on my living room floor resisting unpacking or cleaning and trying not to think about the invasion of spiders in my kitchen, I start to let these depressing, lonely feelings get to me. Usually it ends up with a pleading phone call for someone to come sit with me, but the second someone leaves the feelings return. And the things I think about are all depressing: how I could potentially end up alone for the rest of my life is the main one.

The loneliness is enveloping. What's the point of eating alone? Why brush my teeth if no one will smell my breath that day? I crave company. This woman was not meant to be alone.

Please... if you're around, won't you come visit me?

Phone Call Home

First off: my gay brother is dating a woman. What.

So a couple of weeks ago I realized that I hadn't talked to my mom since I last left Oxnard... almost two months ago. And then earlier this week I got a call from an unknown number and it was Jacob. Apparently my mom switched cell phone plans for her and my younger brother (didn't include me) off the network I am on and didn't tell me that they came with new numbers. So Monday I got my mom's new phone number from Jacob and decided that I should probably call her soon.

Big mistake.

Now I remember why I don't really call home very often. One of these reasons (the biggest) is that my mother is my mother. 30 of the 34 minutes of us on the phone was her complaining about her life: work, how much primary sucks and she hates the rest of the presidency, and how someone didn't like her profile on LDS Mingles. The other 4 minutes was me telling her that I was not dating anyone, and if I had started to I would call to tell her. I also mentioned Cole's wedding and how Dave was a jerk and my mom mixed him up with David and started saying all these things about how David probably isn't a good person because he got sent home from his mission (clarificiation: he has a herniated disk. He freaking had to leave for medical reasons. He's a good person and was worthy to be on a mission. And, he never judged anyone he didn't know the way my mom is judging him).

It just frustrated me so much. As I was in the middle of telling her that Skyler and I are just friends and not dating but how awesome he is she interupts to tell me some more about how much she hates being in the primary presidency. I think for once it would be really nice to have her call me (sometimes Jake calls me but other than that I am doing the dialing) and to actually be interested in my life. She doesn't know the names of my best friends from this summer. She only knew Skyler because she was convinced that we were in love. She didn't even know that I wasn't in school right now. She doesn't know that I've moved again. She doesn't know that I have retired from comedy (announcement: I am almost positive I am not returning to Humor U except to support others). And she doesn't know that I spent a week crying because I didn't get a promotion that I really wanted. Yet I hear about every single man she meets online, negative or positive.

I hate calling home. I don't want to go home for Christmas again. On the flipside: I am completely excited for my Thanksgiving/22nd Birthday cruise with my dad and Peggy and I love talking to my dad on the phone as he genuinely is interested in what I'm talking about.

Also, last night I called Skyler to tell him that Jacob was dating a girl. Apparently I called just as he was walking into the door of his family's home. I heard Skyler say "Hello, family" and a room erupt with excited "SKYLER!!!"s being yelled. He was home a week ago and his family was so thrilled to have him walk through the door. What I wouldn't give to have a family excited over my presence, or to sit around the dinner table like Blake, grateful for each family member seated. If only.

Life Lessons

It's the night before I move out of 2002 Taylor Hall... again. This being my third year I've been asked a lot about how each year compares to each other.

This has been the worst summer of my life. It has also been the best.

I got talked to about sexual harassment by my boss which left me very emotionally distraught for a week trying to figure out which of my coworkers had turned me in for something that I had tried to set limits on.

I got turned down again for a Humor U show. It was something that I hadn't worked for and I didn't deserve it. And afterwards I realized that maybe it's not really something I want in my life after all. I have a lot of thinking to do before September to decide whether or not to try for it again. But as of right now, I'm content.

And then there was that night that I was so pissed and hurt that I went and asked for a blessing and was told to wait. I was angry, as I had been much of the time up to that point. But it led to me figuring a few things out for myself that I needed to learn rather than be told. I feel comfortable in my decision to settle for osteopathic school. I'd rather be a non traditional OB/GYN than no OB/GYN at all.

Then there was Dave getting engaged. Let's be honest, I'm still trying to sort this one out. One day, there will be a man that wants to date me. And until then I'll continue to ask out my good male friends to stay in good practice.

And the biggest frustration and disappointment of all... was not getting the promotion I wanted. I have refrained from blogging about this, but it's time. Nothing has hurt be this much all summer. The biggest blow of all. I've been working for the last 28 months straight at Helaman Halls. I believe the next closest is 20 months. And I have worked two Thanksgivings, a full Christmas break and a partial Christmas break, as well as two in between summer and fall semesters. I know this office in and out. I know the people. I know the procedures and the policies. I know the files on the G drive like the back of my hand. I am good at what I do. But apparently not as good as that new professional young man that has been working here for 4 months who knows next to nothing about the desk. And yet I am supposed to work with him and teach him what he is not able to learn before Rowena leaves. And I wonder: why have me train someone for a job that I wasn't good enough for? I have worked for this job for so long. In a week I will be the only student employee at Helaman Halls who has worked the old Cannon Center desk. I feel like I've been trained for the last 6 months to take this job. And now it's gone. And I'm left feeling like I was cheated out of something that I worked hard for and deserved. That's what it comes down to: I deserved that job. It's almost less about the young male newby than the fact that my bosses chose someone else and waited a month before I came to them to tell me. I am hurt. This job has not just been my job: it has been my life. And this has been the biggest disappointment of the summer. This is the one that I have yet to come to terms with.

But had it not been for this job, I wouldn't have met some amazing people. I wouldn't have gotten over a certain James. I wouldn't have survived Dave getting engaged or the non promotion. I have made a great support group. I have learned that it is about the people in your life. This life is about the relationships that we form. And my relationships are for the most part not superficial. I have learned to think for myself. I have learned to pray through my anger. I have learned what my real talents are. I have seen my weaknesses. I have learned what it means to bear one another's burdens- for the first time I feel like I have been able to let other people bear mine. I have learned that some people never get what they want, but maybe they get what is best. I have learned to carry on. I have learned what my happiest laugh sounds like. I have learned to laugh again. I know what it feels like to lay in a field under the stars and feel your most comfortable. I have learned how much it hurts to hurt someone. I have learned to love again. I have seen those close to me at their lowest and realized just how important they are to me. I have looked at my coworkers/friends and realized that I have gained a true love for them, setting aside their shortcomings. I have realized how much I yearn for the core of womanhood.

The people in my life have made this the best summer for me, even if it has been the hardest I have experienced in years. My prayers were answered this summer: my heart was softened. It may not be a "soft" heart, but compared to 11 months ago, I'll take it. I am choosing to feel.

Sister Missionaries

We've been checking in Education Week here at Helaman Halls for the last two days, and will continue throughout the rest of the week. And when they check out, so do we. I've been enjoying it. The older people love to chat and I've had some interesting conversations: about old friends from Canada, about Levi for mayor in Wasilla, AK, and about sister missionaries.

Sweet Old Woman: You look like a sister missionary! (I was in church dress)
Me: Oh, why thank you! (Knowing disgust wouldn't have been an appropriate tone)
SOW: Are you a sister missionary?
Me: Oh, no.
SOW: Oh. Do you plan on serving a mission?
Me: No, it's not really for me.
SOW: Oh, well that's okay.
We turn around to go our seperate ways, her to her room and me to find another key. And then she runs up behind me.
SOW: Sister! You don't have to serve a mission. It's not right for everyone. I didn't serve a mission, but my daughter did. Keep going to school and having fun. As long as you're happy.

And with that, she left. And it left me wondering if I would make a good sister missionary. And it also left me knowing that I don't have to serve a mission.

Little Conversation

Annette: Who would date someone that they didn't like?
Jessica: Me.
Annette: Why would you do that?
Blake: Desperate.
Jessica: We would know.
Blake and Jessica: Bahahahaha!

L is for... Love.

Recently I have found that I am in love with my coworkers. Like obsessed. Not like "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" obsessed, but I have come to really love the people that I work with. I see their faults, but I see how wonderful they are and have come to (for the most part) be able to see past their follys and really cherish the people that they are.

Blake is one of the kindest and most sincere people that I have ever known. He has only the best intentions in mind when he does anything. He is also the best conversationalist that I have ever met. Blake makes me feel like I can open up about anything and he will understand, even if he has never experienced anything like it. I feel like he is the last person on earth who would judge me. I have come to regard Blake as the second most honorable and wonderful man that I have ever met, right after Boyd. I honestly wish the best for him.

And then there is Baby Skyler. I feel like every summer there is one boy that I just love and want to spend all my time with. Skyler is that boy this summer. Skyler is not naive, but he is innocent. He has the best laugh. He has the strangest bipolar temperament that I've ever known. Sometimes I'll say something to him or meow at him or wink at him and his eyes light up. And then I feel good about myself. Skyler is talented and kind and sweet... he's just an all around good person.

And MegP... have I ever had such a good suitemate? No. Megan loves Katy Perry's California Girls. It comes on and she dances like you've never seen anyone dance. Really what makes her special is that she is quite the tender person. You'd never know it by her tendency to say things with a straight/serious face, but she's a good person. She cares about others and feels things deeply. She is generous and kind. When you matter to her, you know it. And when it gets to the point that she loves you, she'd cut anyone for you. She stands up for what she believes in and has taught me a lot in the last few months. Even when we fight or argue she can apologize and forgive and forget.

Ariel makes me laugh like nobody's business. She is her own person. While everyone around her says that her older sister bosses her around and should be cut off from her presence, Ariel says that she does so much for her and she really appreciates having Blanca as her sister. Between the two... I would take Ariel any day. She is fun and funny. The best part about her is that she really doesn't try to be funny, but rather she just IS. Some of my favorite quotes from Ariel have been: "real men stand on grass," "I know a few people who would eat a dead horse," "No offense, but white people have walls in front of their doors," and "it sounds like he just soiled himself." Also, she is the epitome of Asian, with her little hat headbands, parasol in the sun, do it yourself manicures and exotic snacks. Also, she plays along when we describe or call her Asian. She's Asian, she knows it and she's proud of it.

I didn't really understand Annette at first. Was she just really flirty? I don't know. But I have come to regard Annette as a person of high integrity, moral fiber and sweetness. Annette is just silly and happy. She gives off these vibes of good feelings. And... the way that she and Evan Moss look at each other makes me really really happy. Annette: a woman of tender feelings who loves the people around her.

Erynn pretends to be tough but she isn't. I don't mean this in a rude sense. What I mean is that Erynn is a good person despite her threats to beat you up. She loves deeply. It's only in the most private of times that I see how much she really misses her little missionary. She's always up for an adventure, whether that means Wendy's late at night or driving to a hot spring that no one knows the actual location of. She's a good sport about everything, and even when she's upset or frustrated she doesn't let other people know about it. She's cool, calm and collected. And she gets things done. She is definitely the best person to have with you when someone needs to be yelled at for something.

Cole really loves his fiance, Allie. It's hard to get to know Cole because he is with Allie so much. But when you talk to him about her he lights up. I was really nervous about working with Cole because he and Dave are best friends. But Cole doesn't hold my old relationship with Dave against me. In fact, he doesn't stick up for Dave. I try not to mention it around him, but when it has come up Cole acts like it was someone he didn't know that I dated and didn't get along with too well. I feel sometimes like Cole understands the essence of being as well as the human condition, and I don't really even know what that means. Cole understands people and feelings. And I think that that is definitely a good quality to have.

And last, but not least, is MegN. MegN does quite a bit of behind the scenes work at the desk that everyone else is either too lazy to do or has no idea that it should be done. She is inwardly reflective. She tends to take the world in and process it. She feels comfortable sitting alone in the quiet. She knows the gospel is true. And she loves shoes just as much as I do. She loves Sam. Sam is a good guy and loves her, too. She loves her family and her friends. She knows who she is and stands up for herself and what she believes in. She's also pretty forgiving, as you can tell from the fact that she's still friends with me after how I treated her when I thought she reported me for sexual harassment.

Pretty much, I've learned to love these people. I feel like I've gotten to know them so much better in the last three months. I sincerely believe that we all were hired for this job for a reason. Why was I hired? Did I change someone's life this summer, or was I meant to change their's? Was I meant to learn to love another batch of strangers? Was I meant to learn of the hardships that can come from loving these people? Last summer I felt no purpose in being here. I didn't love my coworkers like I had the year before. This summer took me back to that first summer when I made friends that would last a lifetime and beyond. Am I glad that the summer is coming to an end? Yes. But I will cry. I'm sure I'll move into my apartment and the moment I stop moving around I will collapse on the floor and sob for the people that I have loved that I will no longer be spending every meal and countless hours of the day with. These people have changed my life and the way that I see others. They have surprised me. They have made me explore myself. Two things I know for sure: not only do I know these people better after this summer, but I know myself better because of them. Also, these are the people that I have found myself thanking my Heavenly Father for recently. Very few people have entered my prayers with such frequency. I am grateful for these people and the experiences that we have had together.

Awkward Alone Moment

Yesterday custodial turned in a fake engagement ring to the desk as lost and found. It was in a little box and came in a set with a fake wedding band. So when I opened the desk this morning and went to count the money in the safe room I saw this box and naturally decided to try the ring on. It went on pretty easily, which most rings do not, as I have sausage like fingers. What proceeded was an awkward five minutes of me trying to get this ring off and freaking out that it wouldn't come off. All alone, I felt awkward and embarassed over the situation. Here, I had had the desire to see what my hand might look like with an engagement ring on it, and was struggling to take it off. What if it didn't come off? What if it was still stuck on my sausage finger at 7:30 when my boss came in, or at 8 when Megan came in? What if custodial saw it? How embarassing! Luckily I was able to manipulate my fat and skin folds on my finger enough to pull it off. Here it is, an hour and a half later, and my finger is still red from all the tension.

Thank Heavens for Nettie Pot!

It's been a hard/bad last couple of days. So the fact that Annette made me laugh hysterically after having started to cry at lunch yesterday meant a lot to me. Skyler and I sat across the table from each other eating and Annette sat beside me. She then relates this story to me:

Apparently Debbie called her over for a private chat in the hallway while Annette was working the desk yesterday. It was there, in a secluded area, that Debbie asked Annette if the rumors were true: were Skyler and Jessica really dating?

At this point Skyler and I looked at each other and started busting up laughing. And then Annette continued to tell us that several hall advisors had come up to her offering their condolences because I stole her man away. When, as she put it, she left Skyler long ago for Evan Moss.

Day maker.

The Best Friend

I feel like in the last year I have had so many disappointments. There was the boy thing, and then the other boy thing, and then the Humor U thing, and then the failing classes thing, and then the other boy thing, and then the other Humor U thing, and then the other failing classes thing, and then the other boy thing, and then the sexual harassment thing, and then this.

And although for most of these dissapointments I have found myself crying to someone who really cares about me, tonight I wanted to be alone.

So I went someplace that I knew no one else would go, and I sat in a dark corner and I wept. Heaving, hyperventalating sobs. And it wasn't just for today but for all the little disappointments and the realizations that for some reason I find myself being slighted over and over again. And for once, I would like to be the heroine of my own life instead of just being the best friend. And I feel like I was born for greatness. Yet the way my life is going just goes to show that I am not meant for greatness, and need to be told so over and over again. "No Jessica, you are nothing special. You are just like everybody else." Over and over again my experiences tell me that I am destined to be the best friend. The likeable one that never gets what she wants and is second to everyone around her.

And for once in my life, the idea of chocolate is not making the situation better.

"Welcome Home, Mr. Cobb."

So, this is an Inception post. But it's also not.

I've seen this movie twice now, and although both times I think that the ending means two different things, the ending also has had the same meaning to me. I know, this makes no sense.

For those who have seen it: Did it drop or not? Who knows. That's not the important part. What is important is what happened right before the big question. And I feel like I'm crazy for thinking and feeling this, but the first time I saw this movie, I sat with Rochelle and watched the following happen:

Mr. Cobb, who has not been able to see his children in a long time because he hasn't been allowed into the United States is standing in an airport. He's waiting at the immigration booth while an officer looks over his passport. There is tension, as Mr. Cobb worries that after all his work he will not be able to enter the US and will be thrown in jail. The officer looks him over, and stamps his passport saying, "Welcome home, Mr. Cobb". Mr. Cobb has a look of relief, enters the US and sees his father or father-in-law waiting for him. He goes home to a brightly lit house and sees his kids playing outside in the backyard. Does it drop or doesn't it? It doesn't matter, because he's hugging the children he thought he'd never see again.

And when I saw this for the first time, I cried. Because all I could think of is our mortal existence, and how we work towards a spot in the Celestial kingdom. And then there is Jesus Christ, our intermediary (or immigration officer) looking us over and welcoming us home. And once we reach home, we are in the company of our family, who has long been waiting for our return.

The second time around, watching it next to Skyler, I drew the parallels once again, and realized that I hope to one day hear "Welcome home, Jessica."