"Take a Deep Breath"

A week ago my favorite kid got moved out of my house at work.  T is such a good kid.  He has his own set of challenges and set backs, but he's so eager to please and to improve.  On one occasion we had a fight over using mouthwash.  We had just gotten these dental hygiene tracking sheets which makes it seem like flossing and using mouthwash every day are no longer optional.  I told him he'd have to start doing at least one of the two things every day, in addition to brushing his teeth.  He completely stonewalled me.  A week later he was finishing brushing his teeth, pulled out his mouthwash, started swishing it around and got my attention with the biggest smile he could muster with his mouth full.  It seems like such a little thing, to independently use mouthwash.  But I will fight his higher functioning roommate for days to get him to do laundry.  T and I would have one argument about something and never revisit it again.  And then he would independently start doing it because he had been asked to do so. 

He has such a sweet heart.  My most memorable moment with him was December of 2012.  He had put his Christmas decorations up in his room, including an angel playing a violin.  I pointed to her and asked him who it was.  He responded with, "I don't know.  Maybe God?"  It made me want to sob.  His family is little crazy and taught him so many bad things, and here he was telling me that God could be in a female form. 

He's also the funniest kid I know.  One time we went on a walk with his roommates and one of them got mud on his leg.  I hollered at his roommate that he had "crap on his leg."  T heard me and tapped his roommate on the shoulder, and then whispered loudly to him that he "had poop on his leg."  He also showed me his Muscle Man dance move that night, where he rubs his chest pretending he has boobs.  He would often say to me (even a year later): "remember when G had poop on his leg?  And Josh (his favorite staff) touched a dead fish?  Jessica, you remember that?" 

A few short hours into Thanksgiving dinner this past year my mom leaned over to me and said "I understand why he's your favorite."  He's everyone's favorite.  Having him move broke me a little bit.  And it makes me so mad at his roommate for causing problems that made him have to switch houses. 

The night T was leaving I kept looking out the windows for the moving truck.  When I saw it I started to get a little anxious and started breathing heavily.  T looked at me, and in a very clear voice and with firm hand movements said "take a deep breath, count to ten." 

Sometimes that kid knows exactly what to say.

Creepy Valentine's Day 5

Creepy Valentine's Day 4

Codependency and Other Problems

I recently had a conversation with a very good (not to mention good looking) friend of mine.  We were talking about how I may suffer from serious issues of codependency.  The thing about codependency is that it's great until it's not anymore.  You reach a point where you realize that it is unfair of you to expect so much from another human being just so you can be happy.  With my codependent friendship I've literally been completely okay to let all other relationships fall by the wayside.  I have been perfectly content to sit at home and wait away an entire evening until the person my codependency hinges upon comes home.  During that time I start to feel anxious.  I start to feel jealous.  I feel really lonely.  I start to think that I could have gone out with another friend instead.  But I don't. 

Because I have been content with one person I really haven't cared to reach out to anyone.  Some of my friends have often heard me ask them how you even make friends.  I'm so used to only having one central friend that I don't even know how to cultivate relationships anymore.  It feels so strange.  I did meet someone that I would like to be friends with.  She's the wife of one of the guys that I work with.  I think she's cool and I think we could get along well.  And she's mentioned that she only has one friend in the area because she only recently moved to Utah for the first time.  But it seems so hard to ask her if she wants to hang out.  I often think married people don't want to hang out with other people because they'd rather be with their spouse.  But in this particular situation I know when her spouse is working and when she may have some availability because of that.  Creepy?  Yes.  But then part of me also wonders if it's worth it to start making friends now because I may just up and move in the next six months.  Maybe it'd be good practice for when that moving time comes along.

The other thing is reaching out to other friends that I currently have.  I think that I have several friends that I used to be really close to that I have stopped spending time with.  But why did we stop hanging out?  Maybe life just got in the way.  But I think that a lot of it is my fault.  I will get lonely or want to do something and go through all of the names in my phone for someone to invite out.  And I make up a reason for each person and why they would say no.  Usually it's because they're married or have a really good group of solid friends already that I think they prefer to me.  And those aren't fair accusations for me to make.  Why should I assume that because I am lower on someone's totem pole of friends that they wouldn't want to see me occasionally? 

My friend had been asking me questions when we were together about what is really going on with my relationships.  He asked me who else there was that I felt I could call.  I listed a few people, along with my excuses for why I would not call them.  I even gave him an excuse saying he was too busy and had a ton of other friends (as if he hadn't last minute made room in his schedule for me when I asked him to).  I need to start trusting people.  I need to have the courage and the faith to reach out to my friends.  I need to keep trying, even when they say they can't.  I can't continue to sit in my living room as it grows darker through the evening feeling sorry for myself.  I need to cultivate friendships with people that I care about and hope that they have room for me.

Creepy Valentine's Day 3

Creepy Valentine's Day 2

Creepy Valentines Day Part 1

Recently I've been having a more realistic idea of what my life is going to look like in the future.  And all I can see is myself.  Alone.

I don't envision the life with a husband and kids.  That seems more like a dream to me than a reality.  While this realization has been hard, the real hard part starts when you try to prepare yourself for it.  How do you live alone in a world where most everyone you know are paired up?  How do you stay the aunty to every one of your friends' kids and do it kindly and with a smile?  Do I even like other peoples' children?  How do you imagine the day when you get kicked out of the single's ward for being too old?  What do you do with that?  How do you day after day go on Facebook to see another young girl get married, or another friend have yet another child?  How do you stay happy for everyone else?

A few years ago I stumbled upon a Youtube video about the LDS singles scene.  There was one woman who was a little older who worked at a college.  In the video she talked about how one day she got yet another wedding invitation in the mail.  As she was going to pin it onto her wall, already overly covered in similar cards, she had a breakdown and tore all of the cards off of the wall.  I guess the only reason I'll never get to that point is because everyone will long be married off by that time.  And I move often enough that the wedding invitations that still trickle in are rotated off the fridge enough.  But maybe it's time to go through my memory box and throw some away.  Why keep an invitation for a home teacher I had four years ago?  There's no point and I don't think it's healthy.

I imagine myself becoming somewhat of a recluse.  I see myself going to work as a nurse (maybe) where I work long hours and then come home to an empty house.  Maybe I'll have a dog, but also maybe not, because I'd work long hours and who would take the dog out during a 12 hour shift?  I'd sit down with a bottle of cold duck, and maybe a plate of cheese.  And I would think about how I deserved to be fancy after a long day and besides, who else is ever going to give me a reason to be fancy?  I'll watch some prime time TV dramas.  I'll snuggle myself in a fuzzy blanket.  And then when I become overly exhausted I'll fall asleep.  Maybe on the couch, but also maybe I'll make it to my bed.  And the next day I'll start the whole day over, wishing desperately that I had someone to tell about my crazy day at work, the patient that I really liked, and the patient that just died.  But there will be no one.  Maybe not even a dog.

Maybe a cat?  Cats are more independent and with litter boxes inside (or potty training) you'd be able to leave them alone during a long shift. 

And just like that, I've become my sad, defeated nightmare.  I've become the cat lady.

Creativity

Today I had lunch with a friend who brought up the idea of altered books.  It inspired me and after meeting with him I went straight to the DI and purchased some old books with cool covers to draw/paint/do art in.  I went home and pulled out all of my art supplies.  I went and fixed my internet so I could start some Pandora and then...

My roommate came home.

And now I feel uncomfortable and self conscious and like I was caught in the act of something and I want to hide all my art supplies away again.