Codependency and Other Problems

I recently had a conversation with a very good (not to mention good looking) friend of mine.  We were talking about how I may suffer from serious issues of codependency.  The thing about codependency is that it's great until it's not anymore.  You reach a point where you realize that it is unfair of you to expect so much from another human being just so you can be happy.  With my codependent friendship I've literally been completely okay to let all other relationships fall by the wayside.  I have been perfectly content to sit at home and wait away an entire evening until the person my codependency hinges upon comes home.  During that time I start to feel anxious.  I start to feel jealous.  I feel really lonely.  I start to think that I could have gone out with another friend instead.  But I don't. 

Because I have been content with one person I really haven't cared to reach out to anyone.  Some of my friends have often heard me ask them how you even make friends.  I'm so used to only having one central friend that I don't even know how to cultivate relationships anymore.  It feels so strange.  I did meet someone that I would like to be friends with.  She's the wife of one of the guys that I work with.  I think she's cool and I think we could get along well.  And she's mentioned that she only has one friend in the area because she only recently moved to Utah for the first time.  But it seems so hard to ask her if she wants to hang out.  I often think married people don't want to hang out with other people because they'd rather be with their spouse.  But in this particular situation I know when her spouse is working and when she may have some availability because of that.  Creepy?  Yes.  But then part of me also wonders if it's worth it to start making friends now because I may just up and move in the next six months.  Maybe it'd be good practice for when that moving time comes along.

The other thing is reaching out to other friends that I currently have.  I think that I have several friends that I used to be really close to that I have stopped spending time with.  But why did we stop hanging out?  Maybe life just got in the way.  But I think that a lot of it is my fault.  I will get lonely or want to do something and go through all of the names in my phone for someone to invite out.  And I make up a reason for each person and why they would say no.  Usually it's because they're married or have a really good group of solid friends already that I think they prefer to me.  And those aren't fair accusations for me to make.  Why should I assume that because I am lower on someone's totem pole of friends that they wouldn't want to see me occasionally? 

My friend had been asking me questions when we were together about what is really going on with my relationships.  He asked me who else there was that I felt I could call.  I listed a few people, along with my excuses for why I would not call them.  I even gave him an excuse saying he was too busy and had a ton of other friends (as if he hadn't last minute made room in his schedule for me when I asked him to).  I need to start trusting people.  I need to have the courage and the faith to reach out to my friends.  I need to keep trying, even when they say they can't.  I can't continue to sit in my living room as it grows darker through the evening feeling sorry for myself.  I need to cultivate friendships with people that I care about and hope that they have room for me.