The Journey

Recently I've been having a more realistic idea of what my life is going to look like in the future.  And all I can see is myself.  Alone.

I don't envision the life with a husband and kids.  That seems more like a dream to me than a reality.  While this realization has been hard, the real hard part starts when you try to prepare yourself for it.  How do you live alone in a world where most everyone you know are paired up?  How do you stay the aunty to every one of your friends' kids and do it kindly and with a smile?  Do I even like other peoples' children?  How do you imagine the day when you get kicked out of the single's ward for being too old?  What do you do with that?  How do you day after day go on Facebook to see another young girl get married, or another friend have yet another child?  How do you stay happy for everyone else?

A few years ago I stumbled upon a Youtube video about the LDS singles scene.  There was one woman who was a little older who worked at a college.  In the video she talked about how one day she got yet another wedding invitation in the mail.  As she was going to pin it onto her wall, already overly covered in similar cards, she had a breakdown and tore all of the cards off of the wall.  I guess the only reason I'll never get to that point is because everyone will long be married off by that time.  And I move often enough that the wedding invitations that still trickle in are rotated off the fridge enough.  But maybe it's time to go through my memory box and throw some away.  Why keep an invitation for a home teacher I had four years ago?  There's no point and I don't think it's healthy.

I imagine myself becoming somewhat of a recluse.  I see myself going to work as a nurse (maybe) where I work long hours and then come home to an empty house.  Maybe I'll have a dog, but also maybe not, because I'd work long hours and who would take the dog out during a 12 hour shift?  I'd sit down with a bottle of cold duck, and maybe a plate of cheese.  And I would think about how I deserved to be fancy after a long day and besides, who else is ever going to give me a reason to be fancy?  I'll watch some prime time TV dramas.  I'll snuggle myself in a fuzzy blanket.  And then when I become overly exhausted I'll fall asleep.  Maybe on the couch, but also maybe I'll make it to my bed.  And the next day I'll start the whole day over, wishing desperately that I had someone to tell about my crazy day at work, the patient that I really liked, and the patient that just died.  But there will be no one.  Maybe not even a dog.

Maybe a cat?  Cats are more independent and with litter boxes inside (or potty training) you'd be able to leave them alone during a long shift. 

And just like that, I've become my sad, defeated nightmare.  I've become the cat lady.