Snow Day #7

School has been cancelled left and right for the last week and a half.  Last week we had school on Friday, but there was a two hour delay, so I actually didn't have school.  This week we've had school on Monday and Wednesday so far.  (In case the math doesn't add up, I have a clinical on Saturdays that was cancelled because of the weather, so... today is snow day #7).

What's been on my mind recently is where I'm going after graduation.  It's been a huge source of anxiety for me.  Maybe it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, because I don't even graduate until December, but for reals, it's down to the same length of time as a pregnancy.  When you realize you're pregnant do you really think you'll be ready and have it figured out by the time that baby gets here?  No.  If you do, you're probably crazy.  Or on baby #6 with a good cash flow to not worry about money.

So where do I go?  I have legitimate reasons for wanting to return to Utah.  But... the thing is, it wouldn't be the same.  It's changed, I've changed.  I wouldn't be able to go back and step in to my old life.  Nothing's ever the same.  I would return thinking that I could take my place back in my friend group and realistically I can't.  Because people move on.  They adapt without you.  They move cities, they get married, they have babies.  And then it's you all alone, feeling sad, because it's not what you were thinking that it would be.

I was thinking about putting grad school off for a year or two, but I don't think that's a good idea anymore.  I think if I don't do it now it'll just be harder to do it later.  And grad school will actually give me structure and a place to be.  So, for now, the plan is to apply to grad schools this November.  I'll graduate in December and stay within five hours or so of where I'm currently living.  That way moving isn't the biggest deal in the world.  That means I could live in Knoxville or Nashville or Asheville or Charlotte or a few other places that have real potential.  I'll start to hear back from grad schools early next year and I'll pick one and pack up at the end of the summer.  I'm still researching, but it's looking like I want Vanderbilt or Marquette or University of Michigan or Emory or, well, let's be real.  I'm not too picky.

I'm freaking out a little bit over my calling.  It overwhelms me a good deal of the time.  I don't think I'm giving it enough and yet what little I give it is exhausting and also a cause for people to point out how I could be doing more.  It's so frustrating and depressing.  I talked to Kyle about it the other night.  He told me that if anyone could do this then it was me.  I think he might be right.  It's the same reason I was good at being a CA--I can latch on to people and make them all hang out.  But this group of people... it's so dysfunctional.  It's the weirdest and most unlikely group of people I've ever met.  And doing something with them and for them is hard to figure out.

Anyway, enough for now.  I should be studying for my OB test.  Or making tochos.  Which, if you didn't know, were nachos made out of tater tots instead of chips.  Put some of that shiz in your belly tonight.

Snow Day x3

How now, brown cow.

Apparently the state of Tennessee shuts down for the slightest snow fall.  Here it is Wednesday and it's our third snow day in a row.  A snow day means that I had no school on Monday, no work study or institute on Tuesday, and due to some soon to be revealed misfortunes, no interning on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Monday I spent my first snow day ever eating Chik-Fil-A with Emily, going to Kmart for snow pants in preparation for my first skiing trip on Thursday, eating Dunkin Donuts with Emily at Kyle's house as we light an ear candle in Emily's ears, watch The Good Lie, and eventually, the three of us head out for pizza, quickly followed by Arby's curly fries and McDonald's hot fudge sundaes.  Naturally, we ate a lot of fast food that day.  It was wonderful and Emily and I were tempted to allow ourselves to get snowed in at Kyle's.  Instead, we left during the "freezing rain" and drove 20mph back to Emily's.

Late on Monday we heard that we would have a snow day the next day.  Tuesday morning Emily called to say that she and our nursing school friend David were purchasing sleds to go sledding and that I should join.  I threw my new snow pants on and went outside.  It took me five minutes to open my car door.  After getting my scraper out of the backseat it took me ten minutes to get the 1/4 inch of ice off of my front windshield.  Fearing that I wouldn't be able to open my door back up if I closed it to scrape the ice off of the side windows (and wanting to get to the golf course to sled) I only cleared off the front and back windshields.  I got to the golf course and after three attempts realized that I wouldn't be able to make it up the hill to the parking lot.  So I parked my car on the actual hill and headed up to meet Emily and David.  It was great.  We spent an hour sliding down various hills and having a fine time.  At one point we got to the top of a pretty big hill.  Remember, we were on a golf course so periodically there were little roads for the golf carts.  David goes down this hill first and falls off his sled about half way down.  I go next.  As I climbed on top of the sled David yelled out to be careful as there was a road that went through the hill half way down.  I get on my sled and start going only to realize as I begin to approach the road that there is a drop off of about a foot between the hill and the little road.  Needless to say I hit the road pretty hard on my back and felt my spine compress.  I started screaming and became terrified.  I fell off my sled and lay down on the ground.  The pain was awful.  I couldn't get a full breath in.  Moving was difficult.  David and Emily checked my spine and couldn't see anything wrong with it.  I could move.  I could feel my toes and my legs.  I lay on the ground for probably ten or fifteen minutes as David went to get me a blanket and I tried really hard not to cry.  I was terrified that I had caused some sort of permanent damage to my spine, and of course, this would happen when I don't have medical insurance.  I slowly got up and we slowly walked to my car.  Getting in the car and sitting up was unbearable.  Emily drove me to my house, got me in bed, and texted Kyle to come over.  She and David left, and I called my dad and cried about how scared I was.  He told me to go to the hospital.  I told him that I wasn't about to have a $10,000 MRI bill.  I called in to work for the next two days.  Kyle came, sat with me and talked with me for a few hours, gave me a blessing (I was pretty freaked out) and by the time he left I was feeling calm and like everything was going to be okay.  It didn't hurt to roll on my bed anymore and I was able to get up and walk to the kitchen without a problem.

Now, it really only hurts to bend down and to sit in some positions.  Today is another snow day.  I am spending it laying around my house.  Tonight, Elder Christofferson.

Also, because this post wasn't really funny at all, my favorite recent creeper patient comment to me (while giving a bath, of course): "You look okay."