Snow Day #7

School has been cancelled left and right for the last week and a half.  Last week we had school on Friday, but there was a two hour delay, so I actually didn't have school.  This week we've had school on Monday and Wednesday so far.  (In case the math doesn't add up, I have a clinical on Saturdays that was cancelled because of the weather, so... today is snow day #7).

What's been on my mind recently is where I'm going after graduation.  It's been a huge source of anxiety for me.  Maybe it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, because I don't even graduate until December, but for reals, it's down to the same length of time as a pregnancy.  When you realize you're pregnant do you really think you'll be ready and have it figured out by the time that baby gets here?  No.  If you do, you're probably crazy.  Or on baby #6 with a good cash flow to not worry about money.

So where do I go?  I have legitimate reasons for wanting to return to Utah.  But... the thing is, it wouldn't be the same.  It's changed, I've changed.  I wouldn't be able to go back and step in to my old life.  Nothing's ever the same.  I would return thinking that I could take my place back in my friend group and realistically I can't.  Because people move on.  They adapt without you.  They move cities, they get married, they have babies.  And then it's you all alone, feeling sad, because it's not what you were thinking that it would be.

I was thinking about putting grad school off for a year or two, but I don't think that's a good idea anymore.  I think if I don't do it now it'll just be harder to do it later.  And grad school will actually give me structure and a place to be.  So, for now, the plan is to apply to grad schools this November.  I'll graduate in December and stay within five hours or so of where I'm currently living.  That way moving isn't the biggest deal in the world.  That means I could live in Knoxville or Nashville or Asheville or Charlotte or a few other places that have real potential.  I'll start to hear back from grad schools early next year and I'll pick one and pack up at the end of the summer.  I'm still researching, but it's looking like I want Vanderbilt or Marquette or University of Michigan or Emory or, well, let's be real.  I'm not too picky.

I'm freaking out a little bit over my calling.  It overwhelms me a good deal of the time.  I don't think I'm giving it enough and yet what little I give it is exhausting and also a cause for people to point out how I could be doing more.  It's so frustrating and depressing.  I talked to Kyle about it the other night.  He told me that if anyone could do this then it was me.  I think he might be right.  It's the same reason I was good at being a CA--I can latch on to people and make them all hang out.  But this group of people... it's so dysfunctional.  It's the weirdest and most unlikely group of people I've ever met.  And doing something with them and for them is hard to figure out.

Anyway, enough for now.  I should be studying for my OB test.  Or making tochos.  Which, if you didn't know, were nachos made out of tater tots instead of chips.  Put some of that shiz in your belly tonight.