I'm Just Going to Say It

In all honesty, I feel like a good amount of the guys I have met during my time here in Provo have been real D-bags. During church today (yes, I had naughty wandering thoughts... it was a rough Sunday) I made a list of the non D-bags that I have met over the last few years:

George Tree
Boyd Smith
Blake Fisher
Cameron Brown
Evan Moss

This list is not totally complete, and it doesn't include guys that I met prior to my BYU experience (for example: Jared Jashinsky).

But what I want to say is this: treat women kindly. I'm not saying that I always deserve respect (I am reminded of a time that I told someone that I was a daughter of God and they shouldn't treat me in a certain way and he replied with "well, start acting like it!" He had a very good point.). But I am saying that I've either been in or seen situations that have disgusted me. Here are a few:

1. Standing with a considerably more attractive girl at a ward function when a guy starts talking to her and ignoring me when I am trying to contribute to the conversation (this has happened twice that I can VIVIDLY remember).
2. A coworker telling the rest of the office that they refuse to change their child's diapers because "they don't do diapers" (even thought oftentimes wives work and take care of the children).
3. Being in situations with a couple that make me want to tell the girl that she can do a lot better, like watching a roommate wait 3 hours for her boyfriend who said he would be there at five and didn't show up until 8 without offering any excuse.
4. Hearing someone tell their significant other that they need to watch their weight and not eat something.
5. Guys in many of my science classes assuming that they got a higher grade than I did or automatically assuming that the highest grade in the class went to a male.
6. Mentioning that home teaching is useless for guys because it's only the girls that need help, with moving things, getting a ride to go shopping and changing light bulbs.
7. Telling a girl that you don't want to marry her if she's going to medical school because you don't want to have to be in debt because of the school loans.

This is the thing: I don't date a lot. And sometimes it upsets me. And then there are days like today when I sit at church and see tons of rude a-hole guys around me. And there are times when I want to slap my friends and tell them that they deserve someone better than a jerk for a boyfriend. In these instances I'm tempted to swear off dating (not like I'm getting much action as it is...) while I am in Provo because these guys are terrible!

I don't understand how someone finds a Boyd, a Blake or an Evan. These are good men. They love the women in their lives. They wouldn't think about belittling them especially in front of other people. They believe in an equal distribution of labor in whatever form they choose (wife stays home while he works, or both work and take equal responsibility in child and house care). They radiate love towards the people around them. They quietly honor their priesthood and never boast about it to others, especially to gain recognition. They are good men. Unfortunately it seems like they come around less and less often and get snatched up quickly leaving the rest of us with D-bag duds. Or spinsterhood. Which looks tempting at times.

Also, as a note and reminder mostly to myself: I often think that no one wants me because I typically only see beautiful, soft spoken women without an educational drive getting married and I am the exact opposite. But then I think about the girls that are also not exactly in that category (although I think they fit into the beautiful category, but that's a personal opinion), and they have married the good men that I respect. In short, I don't want to marry a disrespectful a-hole, and the men I like marry women of character and drive, so why stop being one?

In short, ladies, don't settle for an idiot just because you haven't found a man of worth quite yet. And men, earn the women that have chosen to be with you. Treat them with respect like Christ would. And if you see them acting like I have been known to do, give them a kind, stern reminder that they are a daughter of God and should be acting like one.

And maybe I'll go on a mission.

I Think I'm Going to Have a lot of These

I'm freaking out. Just a little bit. No, not just a little bit.

I graduate in 6 months. When did that really happen?

I feel totally unprepared. I don't think my chances at med school are good. I don't think I'm a very good candidate for any lab jobs, which is really the only other thing my major is good for. The only other thing I can think about is getting some sort of secretary job at a government agency with freaking sweet benefits. Seriously? I went to college for this long to get a degree and be a secretary?

I don't think I'm adult enough for this. I don't know what to do next. I don't have a car, I don't have a place to live, I don't have a job lined up or roommates or anything. And will I seem even more like a dating game failure once I'm out of college? Maybe it'll make it easier. Not everyone around me will be dating. Right? I just don't know what to do. Or where to go. I'm currently accepting applications for someone to live with after graduation. I'm pretty open to where we can go. I prefer some sort of city. Maybe Portland. Or Seattle. Or Boston.

I never thought graduating would be this scary.

Yearn

Last weekend I spent a day with Ashley. We went to Babies R Us and took a long time looking at strollers and diaper bags. Then we quickly perused the bedding section. There was this cute one that was yellow and grey. There were snails on it and other little animals. And as I stood there at this white crib fingering the fabric of the bedding, I felt the strongest desire that I have ever felt that I want to be a mother. And it wasn't excitement at looking at baby stuff or decoupaging little wooden blocks. It was imagining myself in the middle of the night walking up to a little white crib and seeing my baby.

Day One: Body Kindness

Prompt: What kind of sensation does kindness bring to your body? How does gratitude for your body change how you feel about yourself?

Kindness brings warmth to my body. It's a feeling like, "yeah, that was something good to do!" It's a reminder of the way that Heavenly Father feels about me. Gratitude for my body can put things into perspective.

The other day I was running late for work and I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "gee, I look terrible and fat." I ran out the door because I didn't have time to change and continued to tug at my shirt all day and stared in disgust whenever I saw my reflection in a glass door. All day I was conscious of this negative feeling I had for my body. Not once did I think "yeah I'm bigger, but I stay warm more easily than some people" or "in a time of famine I'll be a survivor!" I didn't think about how I had two arms and two hands to pull my shirt down with. Or how my legs were fully functional to take me around to all the places I needed to get to. I didn't think about how my eyes made me able to see not only that my outfit wasn't so great but that I could read and recognize faces around me. I didn't think about how my heart beats without me telling it to or how my lungs take in air, my intestines digest or my white blood cells fight off disease all without my being aware. My body does great things and I don't always think about it. But gratitude for my body reminds me about these things and makes me feel whole, complete and worthy.

Waiting

As I wait for the status of my submitted med school applications to change from "Processing" or "Waiting" I pray that the words of my mother come true:

"Maybe the miracle isn't in doing well and getting what you deserve. Maybe it comes from getting in when you thought there was no possibility. After the trial of your faith."

If only.

In other words, do you have any idea how expensive it is just to apply to medical school?

MCAT: $235
Osteopathic Applications (not including supplemental): $361
Allopathic Applications (not including supplemental): $350
Transcripts: $10
Postage for Letters of Recommendations: $1.76

Things I still have to pay for:
All the supplemental school application fees
Thank you gifts for recommendation writers
Travel costs for interviews

And this is just to get in. What the crap.

What the Crap?

Have I really gone over two weeks without posting in this blog? What has happened to me?

Maybe I've outgrown it.

Maybe I have nothing left to say.

Maybe I'm too busy.

Or maybe I'm just realizing that no one wants to hear my cry about med school.

Either way. Update? Update.

Annette got married yesterday. It was the most fun I've had at a reception. I didn't feel pressured to pretend that I was having a good time. I didn't sit at the table and stare at my empty glass. I was surrounded by my really good friends and we just had a good time being ourselves, exploring the grounds, talking, dancing like fools and yes, stuffing our faces.

It was the first time I've attempted to dance at a wedding. And as no one saw my panties I think I did alright.

I was actually grateful that I didn't stand outside the temple. I knew that if I saw Annette come out I would be balling. I hate balling. Especially in front of people. And I didn't ball when I saw her standing next to Evan looking beautiful, classy and fabulous. But I would have cried all through Evan singing to Annette and Annette dancing with Evan and her dad if it weren't for B. Fish. Blake, seriously, what are we going to do with ourselves? There we were, me on the verge of crying and Blake and I start talking about how he should go to the bathroom. In detail. In graphic detail. Before we realized that someone was taping Evan and Annette dance right next to us. They'll have a good time reviewing that footage.

Can I also say how loved Annette made me feel? When you go to weddings the bride and groom don't pay attention to you. They're too busy! They don't even get to eat! I swear we hugged like, three times. And she kept coming up to us. And she said that the awkward thing I chose to say to her wasn't even all that awkward. Blast. Maybe the next wedding.

It felt so strange. I think about Annette and how she's two and a half years younger than I am and I feel like she's my little sister all grown up. But then she goes off to Africa and stuff and saves the world and tells everyone about inequality for women and she is a freaking superhero who I look up to and respect. Kind of a weird combination. And here she is, getting married. My pseudo little sister superhero.

I looked at Megan Nield and realized that she would be the next one of our friendly CA bunch to be getting married. And then I wondered who would be after her. Blake? Skyler? Ariel? Me? That will be a strange day when one of the four of us gets married. We're all pretty awkward and none of us really dates. At all. Let's be real, the next one will probably by Erynn and she doesn't even get off her mission for over another year. Weird.