Monday, May 30, 2011

Partyin' Partyin' FUN!

This past Friday was Marie's birthday. She turned 22 and she said that it makes her feel old (great...). To celebrate we had a few of her friends over to my place for cake and ice cream. Let's be honest, I had three pieces of left over birthday cake for breakfast yesterday. It was divine.

Rochelle spent the night on Friday and we spent Saturday eating breakfast burritos and lazying about in bed. And then we went to the MOA to see the book exhibit and then we visited Levi at work in the Bookstore. Then we ate at Guru's and went over to her family's home in Orem. We played games and went to their ward potluck where we took a look at a bunch of ward weirdies. Like the oversize man that apparently makes origami during church for all the young women. Awkward. Or the nine year old girl who told me all about her beehives. Then we went back to Rochelle's and ate cake and played more games. At one point Marie joined us.

Yesterday I started to get stressed out at church. Every day this week there is some type of ward function. And we kind of got wrangled in to going to this girl's game night and I felt like I didn't really have a choice. I hate feeling like I don't have a choice. And I hate feeling pressured from others to go to certain functions.

Also, I finished my general chem MCAT review and so I took a quick practice test. I did double my score from the practice test I took in February. But it was still a 50%. So I'm slightly stressed out about that, especially because I think it only raised my scaled score by one point. So I'm at about a 7 and I need to be at a 10. Crap. I'm taking the MCAT in about a month and a half. So I'm scared. Because I have a lot to learn in a very short period of time. Nervous? Yes.

In other news, it's Memorial Day and I'm at the Marriott Center doing EFY check-ins and feeling like I'm being blamed for a lot of mistakes, that I don't think are actually mine... the end.

Monday, May 23, 2011

My Mother's Daughter

There's this thing I have to do. This really hard thing. And I have no idea how to do it. I wonder if I'm strong enough. I wonder if I have enough of a spine to actually follow through with my plans. And then I think about two things.

The first is running with Marie. I hate running and it is so hard. I often wonder if it's hard because it's physically hard or if it's because I have this mental stumbling block that tells me I just can't go any farther. Saturday morning Marie and I were on our next to last leg of the job when I begged for a bit of a longer break because I just couldn't do it. I thought that if I went on I would surely fall over and pass out or throw up. Marie said something along the lines of "you can do it. You just don't know that you can because you have never pushed your body this far before." I can do it. I've just never pushed my spirit and my willpower this far before.

The second thing is my mother. I think back to the day that I turned 15. It must have been a Saturday. My entire room was packed up. The house was in disarray. Sam's family picked me up and we spent the day watching a movie (Secondhand Lions, I think) and going to the mall in Thousand Oaks where Sam got me a Build-a-bear, and because we (and by we I mean my mom, Jacob and I) were moving to a new place that day, my new bear Holler's registered address was Sam's house. At the end of the day Sam and her dad dropped me off at home, where after a little bit I got into the front seat of a U-haul truck with my mom and Jacob and we drove about a mile to our new apartment-- leaving my dad and Jason behind. I think of my mom and how weak and fragile she has always appeared to me. How breakable and pliable and giving in she is. And that day she was so strong to pack up everything we owned and to move into a tiny apartment that she had spent months trying to find so she could take me and Jacob out of a bad situation with my dad and Jason. She loved us so much that she wanted to make sure that Jacob was never hit again and that I was never told that no one would want to marry me because I was fat and ugly. I really don't think that she did it for herself at all. She did it for us.

When I think about that moment with my mom I think about how weak things can be made strong. Where and how did she find the strength? This is where I have to find my strength. I need to love myself enough right now to metaphorically pack up and leave. I'm scared that I will try and fail. But I know that I have a great support system. And after all, I am my mother's daughter.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Thoughts to Think

I have been going to the bathroom at work at least 6 times a day. This is not a joke. My bladder is constantly reminding me of its existence. The bladder is, technically, a muscle. Does that mean the more I hold it before I go to the bathroom the stronger it gets which makes it able to hold more liquid/last longer between urinations? David mentioned that when he first started trying to drink 128 fl. oz. of water every day that he peed all the time, but it has slowed down since. Maybe I’m on to something here.

Recently a coworker described me as “smiley”. I have never thought of myself as a smiley person. I’ve thought of myself as Kelly Osbourne in the past. Angry. Detached. On the depressed/depressing side. But when that coworker described me as a “smiley” person I kind of realized that I am. At least for right now. And that makes me happy because it lets me know that I am at a good place right now and that I have a lot to be grateful for and hence, a lot to be smiley about.

Tomorrow morning Skyler and I will be cultivating a little plot of dirt behind my apartment to grow some vegetables. I am excited for my little garden and even more excited for the little herb garden that will be in my kitchen.

Today at work we ambushed Nathan with a rubberband attack. It felt like bonding time as we blasted Rebecca Black’s “It’s Friday” and Claire, Emily, Tessa, Cameron and I all shot tons of rubberbands at Nathan. It was a good moment. Nathan, it turns out, is pretty good at photoshopping and made the following picture for Emily, Claire and myself.



I love my job. I love my office. It’s fantastic.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Carousel

Monday, May 16, 2011

A Wedding, a Week and an Update

I have this problem where I slowly sip water out of my water bottle while I’m at work to keep me awake. It causes me to go to the bathroom about once an hour. I’m getting to know the stalls at work quite well.

A few new developments have arisen. First and foremost, Christina, my wonderful roommate from freshman year, got married. This event meant that Marie and I ate at Malawi’s (delicious dessert pizza) and played an awesome game of laser tag, both for her bachelorette party. On Saturday we drove up to South Jordan for the reception. We got lost for a good half hour because we were looking for a road to turn onto when it turned out that we were on that road all along. So when we entered the reception everyone was already having dinner (it was a sit down, formal thing with a seating chart) so there was some seat switching as members of the band had taken our empty seats. We were hoping that Christina would be kind and place us next to some cute single men and she didn’t disappoint. She sat us next to a guy that she went on a date with right before she met her husband. Apparently this guy has made a habit of going on a date with a girl and then passing her off to a friend that marries her. I did good (for me) and spent the entirety of dinner flirting with him, which is unusual for me. He was touching my arm and I was full of confidence that this was going well… until he mentioned that he hoped that he would make something happen with Christina’s sister. Awkward… Also at our table was this great guy (that we are pretty sure was homosexual) that kept talking about how he liked house music but not techno—although he couldn’t really tell the difference.

Another development is that I have decided to take up running. I am not a runner. I think that running is a disgusting activity and I don’t understand why people do it. But it’s good for you and I feel like it would be nice to at least be able to run a 5k. Which is why I’m doing this program entitled “Couch to 5k”. Marie is my coach. Meaning that she runs alongside me, at my very slow pace, and encourages and supports me as I start to scream and cry about how I can’t do it anymore. She’s such a patient and good person. It’s probably how she’s put up with me for so long.

Another development is the fact that Boyd and Hayley, who have been a staple of my Provo family for the last three years, are moving. To North Carolina. Hayley is freaking awesome so she got this great deal for a grad school in Charlotte. And she got an assistantship. And Boyd’s happy because he served his mission there and loves it to death. So they are currently selling almost all of their belongings and packing up and moving. In 10 days from today. It’s hard because they have been such a big part of my life in the last few years. They’ve always been good for counsel or a good time. I went to their wedding and I want to be there when they have their babies. And I want them to be there when those things happen for me. I think of Boyd as another dad to me and I think of Hayley as this friend that I’ve had for forever. So I’m sad to be losing them but I’m happy that Hayley gets to continue her education. And I feel like this last year, with them living in Orem, has helped prepare me for the day that they actually leave for good. I’ve been able to see them fairly often but much less often than I had before. It’s been a weaning process, which is sad but for the best in the end.

Good news related to this is that Hayley is a genius with the internet. So I don’t know how but she got me a list of 12 med schools that I have a decent chance of getting into that are within decent driving range for occasional visits. Some of these are within a two hours drive. That would be awesome.

That’s all the big stuff for now! I still like my job—I laugh a lot at it, I love Bountiful Baskets, my roommates and I are getting to know each other even better and I still like most of them, and MegP stayed at my place for the weekend! Life is good. For now.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

There's this song I sometimes sing to myself. Not my theme song, but kind of the opposite. It's a James Blunt song and the line that plays over and over in my head is "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me". But it's kind of sung in a melancholy way and when it plays in my head it's when I feel the most alone. Maybe as a way to soothe and comfort myself I try to remind myself that I am not alone. Or maybe because the sad way he says it is the way that I feel, rather than the words themselves.

Yesterday was a good day at work. I had something to do the entire time. I never really got bored. I laughed a lot as I Google chatted with Claire. At one point my boss Bart came and sat down in the chair next to my desk and started talking about his daughter and her upcoming wedding. He mentioned how grateful he was that when she would be getting sealed all six of his kids would be in the temple with her. He didn't understand why he was that lucky because he believed that there were much better parents in the world than himself with children that fell astray. He talked about how in every single one of his kids' weddings he would try his hardest not to cry but always ended up crying anyway, which would usually make his daughter being married cry. And that's when it hit me. I would not be that fortunate.

My goal is to get married in the temple, if a marriage ever happens to come into my path. But who will be in there with me? Not the loving and lazy brother attracted to men but with a knowledge that the church is true. Not the chain smoking alcoholic brother that believes so strongly in standing by his family. And not the father that I have recently become reacquainted with and have learned to love, and not his freaking awesome wife. My mom. I will have my mom. And I suppose that that is more than some people have when they get married in the temple. And I guess I've always known how alone on my path I am. But when Bart brought up the presence of his family in the temple I realized how unfortunate my marriage will be. And to top it off, my mother doesn't believe in ring ceremonies because she says that it undermines the temple ceremony. There will not be a ring ceremony because the last thing I want to deal with when I get married is a mother who's freaking out about the bright colors, the weird engagement pictures, the cheapness of a college/medical school wedding AND the ring ceremony.

How will my dad feel? How will he feel the day that he fully realizes that he will not see my marriage? How will Jacob feel, sitting in the temple waiting room realizing that he is missing his sister's wedding? How often will Jason exclaim the outrageousness of a religion that does not allow him to see his sister's wedding? And how will I feel when I hear that my grandparents can not be bothered to leave their beloved farm to join me in the temple? Who's crying face will I catch a glance of that will make me start tearing up? How fair is it for some of my not so close friends to be there and not my dad?

I know that the temple is the place that I need to be. But thinking about what will be surrounding my possible marriage is enough to consider being sealed a year later. And I've always comforted myself with the thought that I would have my best friends there who tend to replace my family anyway. But with leaving BYU in a year and the trend in my dating life as it is, I won't be in Provo. Who knows where I'll be? And what poor, just out of college person will be able to make the journey?

How will it feel when I realize that besides my mom, the only other people in my sealing will be the groom's family?

Assuming, after all, that there will ever be a groom.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Taxi Cabs

I'm slightly addicted to stumbleupon.com. And tonight I literally stumbled onto this story and it made me think of a few things. The original link is here.

"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep. But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.
When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knick-knacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”
“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”
“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.” I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.” We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You have to make a living,” she answered.
“There are other passengers”. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.” I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Thought number one: Kindness is key. Had this man not made it his priority to knock on the doors of customers to let them know he was there he never would have had this experience.

Thought number two: Listen to the spirit. Listening to the spirit could prompt us to turn off the meter and to do what really counts.

Thought number three: Preparedness. I honestly think that this man was prepared for this night, just as we are all being prepared for key moments.

Thought number four: Being kind and serving others doesn't just benefit those that we serve. This simple moment of service to this old woman that he only saw once left a lasting impact on his life.

I hope that I will be ready and prepared for the time that I find myself in a situation where I can either turn off the meter and serve another or keep the meter running and be annoyed at another person.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Recap

I worked Women's Conference check-ins at Helaman with Claire and Emily. Only downside: the presence of Timothy. But I had dinner in the CANC with Skyler and despite having issues with one of our card printers the evening went smoothly. It was so nice to be back at Helaman with my friends and old bosses. Also, I love Women's Conference check-ins! My first one I was roving and totally lost and freezing because I was in a skirt and it started to snow. The second one I semi-flirted with Dave and had this great moment where David was going to hang out with me until Dave decided to walk me home. And last year... wow. I don't even remember if there was someone working with me at my table. I remember working the A line, but that's it. But it's so exciting and all the women are so excited to be there. This year was no exception and despite a few crazy psychos (that Claire got to deal with) it went really well. Exhilarating. And because of the long hours I pulled I got to go into work a couple hours late on Wednesday and Thursday.

Also, David and I went to see The King's Speech at the most amazing movie theater ever. It's in Pleasant Grove and it's called the Watergarden Cinema. It's only $3 and it shows current movies (including The King's Speech in PG13). The popcorn and candy is only $2. Needless to say, I am in love.

Friday I spent some time with Blake at his new house (Evan's house) and we were joined by Skyler and Annette for a bit. Saturday I literally did nothing all day, and then Annette and Ashley came over for dinner and then we went to Ladies Night at the Orem Rec Center. For free we took three half hour classes: spinning (killed my bum- literally, those seats hurt), zumba and yoga (killed my arms- stupid downward dog). And they had a raffle and I won a shirt and a water bottle! But now, two days later, my whole body hurts.

Yesterday Camille's baby was blessed. So Marie and I (as well as Ashley and Doug) went to Camille's ward to see Noah being blessed. Afterward we went to George and Camille's for some really good taquitos and beans. It was so good. Also, it was good to see Camille's parents again. Her mom watched me and Jacob when we were little. Her family feels like a family and when I'm in the room I kind of feel apart of one. Other highlights, well, the big one, was when George's friend Devan showed us his webbed toes. I have been wanting to see them since Camille's baby shower. Did I mention that it was also George and Camille's first anniversary? How time flies. How do they have a baby already? What the?

Today I decided to go to FHE, even though I hate FHE. It was a ward FHE and we went to the DT field to play some sports. I hate sports. I opted for volleyball and to my surprise I only missed one of my serves and I got the ball 60-70% of the time that it came near me. That's really good for me. It was pretty fun.

I'm feeling more comfortable at work. Emily's gone for the week but after Women's Conference check-ins we've been Google chatting about how bored we are at work and it's been nice. Tessa and I have talked a few times and usually eat lunch together while I study for the MCAT and she reads. I like our nonverbal agreement that we can eat together but not have to talk. And Claire is my favorite. We laugh at random things and she laughs at my lame jokes and I appreciate that. Nathan is appearing to be much less sexist than he first appeared and he's been nice to me on occasion. I had my first staff meeting last week and I won the Pickle Award as voted by my coworkers, mainly because I was new and I did well with Women's Conference. But it made me feel more at home in the office. It's been good.

Also... I'm really liking my roommates. Amber is the one that I feel like I've connected with the most and I feel like we have a lot in common. She's kind of the more mature and more laid back version of me. And Natalie is so nice and easy going. It's going really well. And I still have my own room.

Also, Osama bin Ladin is dead, and while I don't have anything in particular to say about that, I feel like it's important to mention. I'm kind of shocked. 10 years? It's really taken ten years. And I love my president. I support him. And hopefully I'll always support the current president whether I voted for someone else or not, because they have a tough job and need all the support they can get. The end.