Life Lessons

It's the night before I move out of 2002 Taylor Hall... again. This being my third year I've been asked a lot about how each year compares to each other.

This has been the worst summer of my life. It has also been the best.

I got talked to about sexual harassment by my boss which left me very emotionally distraught for a week trying to figure out which of my coworkers had turned me in for something that I had tried to set limits on.

I got turned down again for a Humor U show. It was something that I hadn't worked for and I didn't deserve it. And afterwards I realized that maybe it's not really something I want in my life after all. I have a lot of thinking to do before September to decide whether or not to try for it again. But as of right now, I'm content.

And then there was that night that I was so pissed and hurt that I went and asked for a blessing and was told to wait. I was angry, as I had been much of the time up to that point. But it led to me figuring a few things out for myself that I needed to learn rather than be told. I feel comfortable in my decision to settle for osteopathic school. I'd rather be a non traditional OB/GYN than no OB/GYN at all.

Then there was Dave getting engaged. Let's be honest, I'm still trying to sort this one out. One day, there will be a man that wants to date me. And until then I'll continue to ask out my good male friends to stay in good practice.

And the biggest frustration and disappointment of all... was not getting the promotion I wanted. I have refrained from blogging about this, but it's time. Nothing has hurt be this much all summer. The biggest blow of all. I've been working for the last 28 months straight at Helaman Halls. I believe the next closest is 20 months. And I have worked two Thanksgivings, a full Christmas break and a partial Christmas break, as well as two in between summer and fall semesters. I know this office in and out. I know the people. I know the procedures and the policies. I know the files on the G drive like the back of my hand. I am good at what I do. But apparently not as good as that new professional young man that has been working here for 4 months who knows next to nothing about the desk. And yet I am supposed to work with him and teach him what he is not able to learn before Rowena leaves. And I wonder: why have me train someone for a job that I wasn't good enough for? I have worked for this job for so long. In a week I will be the only student employee at Helaman Halls who has worked the old Cannon Center desk. I feel like I've been trained for the last 6 months to take this job. And now it's gone. And I'm left feeling like I was cheated out of something that I worked hard for and deserved. That's what it comes down to: I deserved that job. It's almost less about the young male newby than the fact that my bosses chose someone else and waited a month before I came to them to tell me. I am hurt. This job has not just been my job: it has been my life. And this has been the biggest disappointment of the summer. This is the one that I have yet to come to terms with.

But had it not been for this job, I wouldn't have met some amazing people. I wouldn't have gotten over a certain James. I wouldn't have survived Dave getting engaged or the non promotion. I have made a great support group. I have learned that it is about the people in your life. This life is about the relationships that we form. And my relationships are for the most part not superficial. I have learned to think for myself. I have learned to pray through my anger. I have learned what my real talents are. I have seen my weaknesses. I have learned what it means to bear one another's burdens- for the first time I feel like I have been able to let other people bear mine. I have learned that some people never get what they want, but maybe they get what is best. I have learned to carry on. I have learned what my happiest laugh sounds like. I have learned to laugh again. I know what it feels like to lay in a field under the stars and feel your most comfortable. I have learned how much it hurts to hurt someone. I have learned to love again. I have seen those close to me at their lowest and realized just how important they are to me. I have looked at my coworkers/friends and realized that I have gained a true love for them, setting aside their shortcomings. I have realized how much I yearn for the core of womanhood.

The people in my life have made this the best summer for me, even if it has been the hardest I have experienced in years. My prayers were answered this summer: my heart was softened. It may not be a "soft" heart, but compared to 11 months ago, I'll take it. I am choosing to feel.