Stupid Girl.

Today was an eat-however-much-of-whatever-you-want kind of day, coupled with the urge to read Neruda. Not the best combination. Today was a lay-on-the-floor-and-cry kind of day. It was a stop-pretending-to-concentrate-on-studying kind of day. It was a skip-all-the-classes-you-feel-like-skipping kind of day.

Today was the day I told him I had feelings for him.

I've wrestled with it for the last little bit. Was it selfish to tell him so that I wasn't the only one thinking about it? Was it necessary so he could be aware of his words and actions to try to stop the progression of my feelings? Am I really the slut that I feel I am for feeling like this? What kind of a woman feels these things for her best friend, let alone one that has a girlfriend?

I feel ruined. Nothing good could have come from this stupid situation. And now he knows and it's more embarrassing and pathetic. What I want to do is cry. Cry for a very long time.

How did this happen? It started with me becoming very good friends with a boy. Seeing him everyday. Noticing how wonderful he is. Sharing personal things with each other. I've told myself that we're just friends. I've told him that. I've told everyone that. And somehow I must have known that something inside was a little more than that. One night we hugged goodnight, and while we were hugging he told me he loved me. And I said it back and as soon as I said it I knew that I meant it. And it all went downhill from there.

I can't help but tell myself "Stupid, Jessica, stupid, stupid Jessica. You knew he had a girlfriend. You knew he didn't care for you like that. And you let it happen anyway. You should have guarded your heart more. Fool." This runs through my head all day every day.

Now the challenge lies in learning to cope: with still being his friend when he knows, with pushing these feelings aside, with the slight pathetic feeling that I'm feeling, with the rejection, with the girlfriend thing, with trying not to lose my best friend... How do you still act like the same person after this? I'm afraid that I won't.