A Hymn Revival

Tonight I walked the streets of downtown Provo with MegN, Marie and Hilary. The Gallery Stroll. It always has lots of cool art, yummy refreshments, and memorable times. Like tonight with the roadkill exhibit, when the docent watching over it marked off the location on our cards by spearing the picture of the deer in the eye.

We found ourselves on top of the roof of a parking garage, listening to local musicians. One such group was The Lower Lights. I loved the way they took our traditional hymns and jazzed them up all folksy and such. They did a remake of "If You Could Hie to Kolob". This hymn is the first hymn I ever felt connected to. We sang it one day in seminary. I thought that it was so beautiful. The music, the words. Our infinite destiny, our timeless lives. Everything continues. Eternity. Such a strange concept. Not only to live forever, but to be forever.

I bought the CD. This song has been on repeat for the last half hour. It tries to comfort my spirit while I am contemplating things going on in my life. I laid on the roof of the parking garage tonight, looking at the Chinese lanterns above me, listening to the bluegrass hymns, watching the stars. And what I thought about terrified me, depressed me, and made me sick. I'm panicking and I don't know how not to.

Remember how I said that I was so grateful that I liked boys again? I take it back. I hate it. I'd much rather be softly pining away for James again. But James went to visit Cammie in grad school. He loves her. And Logan is but a figment of my overactive imagination. And that boy that recognized me in my physics class is just super friendly, as is that newly returned RM. So are the many men who consistently hold open doors for me. The ones who are extra kind when they lock themselves out of their dorm rooms. The ones who smile at you as you walk by. I'm remembering what it's like to be interested in boys again and it sucks. The caring about not having been on a date in who knows how long. The realizing that it's been over a year since you last kissed someone. The closeness of the birthday that officially makes you older than the men just getting off their missions. Seeing your friends date and fall in love while you idly stand by watching. The wishing that someone was holding your hand as you walked down the street. The wishing that there was a boy there with his arm around me.