You're Not Hardcore (Unless you Live Hardcore)

I'm not very hardcore. I know this about myself. In my classes I watch the other premed students and all I can think is "what's wrong with these people? Is it really a requirement to be so hardcore and intense in order to be a doctor? I'm not like them, but I don't want to be, either." I'm not kidding, either. MCAT prep courses circulate around the $1000 mark. I've heard stories- of people studying 20 hours a week for the MCAT for months, of people taking a practice test every three weeks while studying to try to increase their scores. I'm working on this project in my developmental bio class and last night one of my group members stayed up literally all night (I got his email at 7:30am) to work on our project proposal by himself. I wouldn't do that. I enjoy my sleep.

I don't care where I go to medical school, as long as I go somewhere. The previously mentioned Indian group member asked me where I wanted to go yesterday and I told him I'd go wherever someone took me because I worried that no one would. To quote, he said "you're not going to have a problem. You're a chick from BYU." I wanted to turn to him and say "excuse me? I won't have a problem? You're freaking Indian!"

I'm not hardcore. That's why my GPA is low. I prefer sleep, friends, cooking and blogging to studying and doing homework. I don't care if I get a 'B' or a 'C' on a test. I try hard but I try not to stress out even harder. I'm not willing to compromise Friday lunch with a friend to work on a group project. I put my life first. I put my schooling second. Is that bad? Maybe. Is it bad that I don't want to do research in med school? Maybe. I look at the other premed students around me and their lives are school. Their feeling of worth is attached to their grades, their MCAT scores, the schools they get into.

In all honesty I don't care, as long as I get in somewhere. I want the end result. I want to be a doctor. I want to deliver babies. I want to help people. I believe that I will be a good doctor. Maybe I won't be the traditional doctor. But I'd rather be the runt at school that cares less about her office and her paycheck and more about her patients and how they're feeling. I want to be there for my sisters in this world. I want to be there for women. I want to stand up for them and help them and let them know that I understand. I want to support them.

Also, I've noticed that the only other people I talk to who are interested in med school are men. And when I'm meeting people (especially men) I find that when they ask me my major they're kind of interested and then they ask me what I want to do with it and it's always a surprise that I want to be a doctor. And I'm getting kind of tired of it. I feel like it's a curse. Had I said that I want to be a teacher I feel like that would be perfectly okay. But saying that I want to go to medical school... I feel like people don't take me seriously. And maybe that's my own fault, because I'm not hardcore.