I Am Not Myself These Days

I once read a book with that title. It was about a drag queen. Lots of naughty language. Lots of inappropriate situations. My kind of book as a teenager. Not so much now. Well, maybe a little.

Right now I'm at work wearing dress pants. I know, right? Over the summer I went to Saver's with Marie and tried on a bajillion pairs of dress pants. No, none of them looked good. However, there was this pair that almost fit and were beautiful. In fact, they were the exact pants that I bought for my mom when I worked at Old Navy. They're a brown hounds-tooth type pattern with some golden tones. I bought them for my mom for $40 because I thought that she would feel awesome in them and kill during her job interviews. She never wore them. I thought that they were beautiful. So when I put on the $7 pair at Saver's that didn't really fit me... I bought them anyway. And today I put on a skirt and then decided to screw it because I didn't really want to be wearing a skirt. So I tried on the dress pants. A, they fit better. Apparently my pants got bigger or my body a bit smaller. Either way, they fit better. B, because the material is thicker my crotch doesn't look nearly as bad as it tends to in dress pants. So I wore them to work with a longer shirt because I'm still self conscious about the whole crotch thing.

At girl's night on Saturday Ariel brought her nail polish collection. My nails are now black. I've never thought that I could pull off black nails. I've always wanted to try but I've always been nervous about it. Do I think I'm making it work? Meh. Maybe. I'm going to invest in some grey polish and see how I feel about that.

I put makeup on today. Megan's blog said something (well, let's just quote it): "Sometimes, when things are hardest, the only thing worth doing is working. Serving. Saying, in your face life. I'm going to get all this done and more. And look fabulous doing it." So yes, I put on some mascara.

And inside I'm controlling the remnants of my childhood from crying aloud. And I'm painting and writing poetry and reading about why women should not fall for seduction (required for a class).

And I think about all of this and decide: That I am not myself these days. And that I am not okay, but I am trying to be somewhat okay. The end.