Breaking Point

This movie:

Loved it.

It's been a rough week. To say the least. Luckily somehow I wasn't bogged down with homework (the first week this semester) and I was able to deal with my issues. And by that I mean watching the Painted Veil and crying one night, and then crying in my bed under a blanket (no floor allowed) the next. And feeling like this knot in my stomach was going to make me vomit at any given moment. Not to mention my new best friend, TOM. And getting cornered in the bathroom by Heather. And the overall feeling of pathetic that I've been able to ascribe to myself many times this week.

Yesterday I was able to have lunch with Rochelle and Blake. For a good hour and a half I was able to laugh and breathe. And the knot went away. And then Rochelle went to work and Blake and I chatted. And then we decided to go to the mall and then watch a movie, and he let me drive his dear Petey to and from University Mall. And we only almost got into an accident twice on the way there and zero times on the way back. And then we went to see Fair Game and Skyler met us at the dollar theater to watch it. Afterward we went to pick up Blake's suit and I got to drive around the parking lot because there was no parking. And then we dropped Skyler off and decided to not end our evening and we went to the Gallery Stroll in downtown Provo. Although he respects Cassandra Barney he does not like her work, and I love her. I would put her work in my home. And then we went back to my apartment and talked until after 11pm. And every second that I wasn't actively engaged in the task at hand the knot would return to my stomach.

Today I woke up. I didn't feel so good. I picked up my Bountiful Basket with Ariel and returned to my apartment. I lounged the morning away, constantly feeling the anxious panicking feeling I've been carrying for the week. I had plans to have lunch with my freshman roommate, Christina, and I thought about canceling. But I didn't. This wound up being a very good thing, as I reached the breaking point. In Fair Game the main character mentions CIA training and how they picked out the top 4 or 5 agents and pretty much tortured them to make them give up the names of the other agents. Valerie said that she felt special because she was the only one that didn't break. However, in the middle of all the scandal and controversy surrounding her and her marriage falling apart, she realized that she did have a breaking point, and she had reached it.

I hung up the phone and reached my breaking point. I started sobbing uncontrollably and found myself clutching my chest hyperventilating. I got a call from Christina. I couldn't answer. I knew it meant that she was there, ready to pick me up for lunch. I sent her a text saying that I needed a minute. I clutched the couch and cried that I just couldn't do it anymore. And I pulled myself up and took myself to the bathroom. That's when Christina came in. I tried to hide it at first but it's kind of hard to hide red eyes and mini sobs. We didn't go to lunch. We sat on the couch and talked. We haven't hung out in months, but there I was crying and telling her about how I felt. After what felt like forever I asked her what time it was, because I was afraid I was going to be late to work. It was 1. She'd been there an hour. She had to go. She hugged me thrice and told me that she loved me. And she left.

And I thought about continuing to cry. And instead, I made lunch. I put some French music on and ate tons of chocolate. I swayed to the music. I called Maraina at the desk and reserved the piano room. I brought sheet music with me to work so I could play beforehand. On my way to work I ran into an old roommate, Joanna. She's not a BYU student. She was simply trying to locate the library. Had I left home a minute earlier or later she wouldn't have seen me. There was nothing unusual about the encounter. I showed her the library and we got to (briefly) catch up. It was good to see her, though. A familiar face that I've thought about but haven't seen in a year. And I got to work, kicked some kids out of my reserved room, and played for a half hour. It wasn't good. I made a lot of mistakes. But the last time I played was briefly over Christmas break and before then... summer. I came out of the room to start working. Tim was sitting at his desk. The very last person that I wanted to see. But I don't have it in me to fight anymore. At this point he could tell Paul anything about me and I would cry and tell Paul that I would love to end my time at Helaman. Not because I want to, but just because I can't fight anymore.

What do you do when you hit that point? I don't know if I have it in me to fight the good fight anymore. But the last time I hit the breaking point was September 2009. And that just led to me not feeling anything for about 8 months. If something bad had happened during that time I attributed it to being another part of my life and it didn't even really affect me. I don't want to go through that again. I just... I want friends. I don't want to feel alone. I want to be invested in as much as I've tried to invest. I don't want to feel pathetic. I don't want to worry about what other people are doing or not doing. I want to feel important. And I want to give in and cry whenever the heck I want to. But the desk, sitting next to Timothy, does not afford me that luxury.

I felt so good about my life earlier this week. Is this just what happens? The humbling cycle? The second I realize just how good my life is I get kicked. I don't know what to do. I should throw in the towel and be done. But I can't.