Mother Dearest

Sometimes I feel like a bad daughter. Like a terrible, ungrateful child. Right now it is Christmas break. My friends blogs and Facebooks are quiet because they're all at home trying to enjoy every moment they have of this break with their families. And here I am in Provo for the second of three Christmases since coming to college. By choice. I could have gone home if I wanted to. And I chose not to. I chose to be alone in Provo rather than spend a week or two of what I consider to be near torture in Oxnard.

I talked to my mom on the phone earlier this week. She asked if I would have any days off over the break and I responded that I thought that I would have New Year's Eve off. She then remarked that she would be in St. George for a week during that time. I inquired as to the reason and her response was "because men in St. George want to take me out." She then went on to tell me that if it was not too much trouble than I should come down to visit her, but if it wasn't too much trouble than I would be going home for Christmas. Just two months ago she was practically telling me that she didn't want me to come for Christmas because she wanted to be spending it with some man somewhere. And she said that she would visit me in Provo, except her car doesn't do well in snow so she didn't want to make the trip. But how on earth am I supposed to get down to St. George to see her? I don't have a car, let alone a license. Anyone that would be traveling down that way will have long been there. And no offense, but I don't really want to spend my day off with my mom and probably some man that she met online.

It really bothers me that my mom cares more about finding a husband right now than she does about me. You can argue that this isn't true, but the only thing we talk about on the phone is her and her dating life. She never asks me any questions (unless she is inquiring about whether or not Skyler and I are engaged) and prattles on forever about her sister who met a guy online from England and how they are getting married in February and how stupid her sister must be for doing this. Newsflash! My mom's only upset or concerned about it because it's not happening to her! It's jealousy! She talks about how one day her sister's husband will put the dishes away incorrectly and how my aunt will fly off the handle because of her OCDs and how this man has no idea what he's getting himself into! In effect, she really is just complaining about how her lesser sister is getting married after much less time online dating. And there isn't a single time that she comes to Utah (to "visit me") that she doesn't meet up with some man from the internet. She doesn't really care about quality time with me, she cares about using me as an excuse to meet men she's interested in.

To me, at this point of her life, at 46-years-old, I feel like her main priority shouldn't necessarily be finding a husband. She should be caring about finding a job that she actually enjoys. Or building relationships with her current family. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's perfectly fine that she wants to find someone to marry especially in the temple, but it shouldn't be her main priority. At 22, it should be one of my main priorities. I wish that she would grow up and stop acting like she's my age. And I hate the way that she looks down on me for living what she thinks is a simple life. I go to school, I go to work, I pay my rent and buy my own food. But my life is not without complications and if she would for 5 minutes listen to me while on we're on the phone she would understand that. My life is not less complicated, just differently complicated and I choose to handle it differently.

What I wouldn't give to want to go home. Even in my loneliest moments over the break I do not wish that I were in Oxnard, but rather wish that my friends would get back to Provo sooner. I feel that not desiring to go home makes me a bad person because everyone around me craves it.