Four Years

Four years ago today I got on an airplane with my mom, two carry on suitcases, two large checked suitcases and four huge boxes, all filled with my stuff. We flew to Salt Lake where my aunt picked us up and took us to her house for the night. The next morning we got back in her car, where we barely fit with all my stuff, and took back roads from Salt Lake to Provo. The ride was almost an hour long. I had no idea how far Provo was from Salt Lake or in what direction. I had never seen BYU before and here I was taking all my crap to the third floor of Taylor Hall to live away from everything and everyone I knew.

I was excited and terrified. After being out of high school for a year and a half I was desperate to be in school again. I was scared that I wouldn't make friends and that all I would have would be Marie. I was worried about how I was going to pay my rent and whether or not I would succeed in college. I was scared that I was going to get lost all over campus.

The thing is, I find myself in that same spot all over again. In four months I will graduate from college. Neither of my parents or grandparents have done so. None of my cousins have. I have a couple of uncles that did. And one aunt.

Last week I got my first med school rejection letter. It was a school that I thought I had some shot at and I didn't even get an interview. I didn't deserve to. My GPA and my MCAT scores say it all. I always figured that after college there would be med school and it would be a natural and easy transition. I find myself trying to figure out what I want from life that doesn't involve med school. I finished and submitted my Teach for America application yesterday. I found a school in Boston that doesn't require the GRE for it's library science program. I think I could rustle up the three letters of recommendation they ask for. I could apply to research jobs across the country and I hope that I get one. And if all else fails I can be a secretary, because I'm good at it.

But I'm embarking on this journey that doesn't necessarily include Provo. And that's scary. I don't know whether or not to sign a contract for my apartment for spring and summer let alone fall and winter. I don't really want to move again. But in four months I won't be a student and I won't be able to stay at my job. There's nothing holding me back from leaving but fear. I don't think that I can pack up all my stuff and move somewhere I've never lived on a whim and figure it out. Who would I live with? How would I pay my rent? But I've done it once and I suppose I could do it again.

Four years. It seems like it's been so long but as I wrap up my life at BYU it doesn't feel long enough. I have grown and I have learned. I have pushed myself farther than I thought I could. I've made friends. I've kissed 1.5 boys. I've hiked (most) of Mt. Timp. I've learned to stand on my own two feet. I've gained my own testimony of the Gospel. I'm stronger and can do more than I ever thought I would be able to. I've sobbed and cheered on my bedroom floor. I filled the Cannon Center with outrageous laughter. I've added over a dozen quotes to the Campus Accommodation quote book. I performed stand up comedy in front of 400 people at one time. I've spent long afternoons reading on the grass and short evenings watching every episode of Sister Wives that I could with Marie. I can name body parts and detail the process of reproduction. I identify with feminism. I've formed my own political beliefs separate from my family and hold to them. I don't vote along political lines. I've gotten a driver's license. I've been hurt. I've been through the SLC airport more times than I can count. I've loved the people around me. I've had pneumonia. I've been stressed and depressed and elated and sleepy. I've seen so many of my friends get married. I've seen several friends have babies or are currently pregnant and on their way to having a baby. I've criticized the world and have been criticized in return.

I am Jessica Rae Callahan. And after being at BYU for four years I know myself better. I may not be an adult quite yet but I am on my way.