Buffy

The fall after high school was rough for me. But there was a particular incident that was really rough.

My best friend Sam had an older sister named Buffy. When we were freshman she was a senior. When we were freshman I thought Sam worshiped her. I no longer think this. Buffy went off to CSU Long Beach. She was studying math and had this boyfriend who was amazing from the sounds of it. He even made her a card once that read something along the lines of "I love you as much as (insert mathematical equation that equaled infinity)." He proposed. She accepted. And then she... went nuts.

She broke off the engagement because she was in love with another boy, who didn't really care about her. She quit school and moved back home. She got a job with Sam as a waitress at this little Italian place. And she met some random guy at Starbucks. And Buffy, little innocent Buffy, started dating Starbucks guy and a guy that worked as a cook at the little Italian restaurant. She got pregnant. She purposefully got pregnant and when she found out that Starbucks guy was unable to have children she knew the dad was cook man. He, as far as I remember correctly, was willing to help out. But Buffy had intentionally gotten pregnant with the decision to raise a child on her own that would love her.

Buffy got kicked out of her house. And she asked my mom if she could move in with us. She rented the room next to mine, that would later house many a foreign exchange student. We sat around moping for months together. We played The Sims together, we went to Curves together, we looked for jobs together. Around this time Sam got pregnant, and a week later she married Casey. Her parents let them move in with them, in full support. Shortly after the wedding Buffy had a miscarriage.

One day we had been out job hunting and we came home. Buffy was in the bathroom for awhile and when she came out she had chopped off a significant portion of her hair. It was butch. She looked like a man. Her hair was shorter than my brother's. I asked her if she was okay. I remembered the days when I was upset and would cut off a lock or two of my hair. Her mom took her to fix it.

Later that night we ran to Walgreens looking for hair dye. I was looking at the different colors while she walked around and made a purchase. We left without hair dye. I was downstairs on the computer and she had been watching tv. She said goodnight, earlier than usual. She told me that if I awoke and she was not already up to come and wake her. She went upstairs. Thirty or so minutes later there was a call on our home phone. I answered it. It was Buffy. Her breathing was quiet, so was her voice. I could barely understand what she was saying. I went upstairs and opened her bedroom door, where I found her on her bed with an empty bottle of pills. The pills, it turned out, were the purchase she made at Walgreens.

I ran into my mom's room, not quite sure if this was for real. I told my mom that Buffy had taken a lot of pills and wanted us to call an ambulance. My mom ran in to see Buffy and called 911 immediately, something I was unable to do. We called Buffy's mom who told us not to call 911, as she had done something similar and it probably wasn't as urgent as it appeared. The ambulance would cost a lot, she said. The ambulance came anyway and took her away. Sam, newly married, and their mom came over.

Sam, Casey, Sam's mom and younger sister and I all went to the hospital. Sam's mom went in to see Buffy as we waited in the waiting room. I don't know how long it was, but the wait seemed an eternity. We sat around and watched late night talk shows. Sam's mom came out and told us that she was going to be fine. They had given her some activated charcoal to get it out of her system and she was sleeping. She was going to stay at the hospital with her. The rest of us went to Denny's where we ate and discussed the situation.

Buffy would move back in with her parents. It's been over five years and things have never been the same between us. I avoid her when possible. I see her and my thoughts jump to the incident, and how in my mind she'll always be non-functional, whether or not she is.

She asked me to find her dead body the next morning. I am not okay with that.

I choose life. I choose to live through the good and the bad. I choose to take on the world that Heavenly Father has given me. While I am fully aware that Buffy had and still has a mental illness, I choose life. And I don't understand ever making any other decision.

I am not okay with this.