Journaling

Tonight I went to Barnes and Noble (again) and this time I did not leave without a new journal. Last week when I was there I coveted a specific one but didn't want to endure Marie's looks about buying it. Tonight my number one choice wasn't there anymore (I'll probably buy it online) but I bought my second favorite one anyway.

There's something about new journals that is just so promising. And I'm not even a journal writer. I'm a blogger. I tried to keep journals off and on in high school, and I even have one now that I use for the things that I can't post on my blog. There's not much in the current one because I kind of pride myself on being open and honest with the internet, which makes zero sense but it's how I feel. And I am really possessive over the current journal. One day Skyler picked it up and halfheartedly flipped through it and I freaked out, grabbed it out of his hands and hid it in my room. I was psycho.

Journals can be so embarrassing, too. I think I've read all of the non-current ones to Marie and it was way embarrassing. They detail my obsessions with different boys, my pissy drama queen teenage fights with my mom, and the disappointment life served me. My current journal was started soon after Dave broke up with me, so it details my trials with that, all my church conference notes (general, stake, etc.) and the most recent entries display my back and forth thoughts about Skyler and my sexual frustrations. I cringe reading over it and I imagine what would ever happen if I had a daughter happen upon it.

Right now I need to make a decision. Do I take the job as a conference assistant for a fourth summer in a row or not? I have another two days to decide. And my feelings on the subject alter depending on who I'm with and what my emotional status is. Tonight I thought that I would go back in my blog to see what my thoughts were the last two years I had been offered it. Alas there were no real thoughts concerning it. Did I just take it? If I were a better journal writer I think I would know my thought patterns back then. I remember the spiritual experiences leading up to me becoming a CA the first two years. I didn't know what I wanted my first summer and I prayed that if I were supposed to stay in Provo I would get the CA job. I didn't get the job and I told my friends that I was coming home just to be offered the job shortly after. I heard Lindsey's voice ask my if I was still interested and if I wanted it, and I hesitated until I remembered telling Heavenly Father that if offered it I would take it. Summer number two I wasn't even going to apply. I was so set to go off on a Welsh adventure. I had prayed months before about what I should do and I didn't get an answer. So I took Wales. And then when I heard Lindsey talking about the CA job I knew that I wasn't supposed to be going to Wales. Of course I had hoped that it would be because of a certain boy.

So I don't know. But I wish I knew what I had been thinking last year. And here's to a better journal keeping.