Babies

One day Rochelle and I went over to Blair's to visit and to meet her daughter Elise. At one point Blair looked over at me and said (in the least judgmental way possible): "Just to clarify, you don't like babies, right?" I told her she was correct and we moved on, Rochelle holding Elise.

I've thought about this a lot. Several of my bosses have had babies and while I thought they were cute and wanted to hold them, I came across as not wanting to. With Camille pregnant I was excited to meet little Noah. But I let everyone around me believe that I hate babies. This is false. I do not hate babies. I am terrified of babies.

My youngest sibling (Jacob) is only 18 months younger than me. We weren't close to my extended family growing up. During my youth we were not active in the church. I didn't grow up around babies. So I'm not used to them. They make me uncomfortable. And they mostly make me uncomfortable because I don't know what to do with them. I don't think that I hold them right, I freak out over whether or not I can correctly change a diaper, I don't know what to do when they cry and I'm kind of nervous about being thrown up on. They're little and seem to be breakable. I feel clumsy and I worry that parents will realize how inept I am (heck, a three year old realized I was changing his diaper wrong). And, as pathetic as I feel about admitting this, I don't want to come across as "that woman". You know the one. The one that "ooh's" and "ahh's" over babies and their drool. I don't want to be stereotyped as a Mormon woman that wants only to have a family (a wonderful thing but not what I see for myself). And... I don't want people to realize how much I want my own babies/children because it might never happen and then I come across as even more pathetic than I am.

So now Camille and George have a baby. And he cries a lot and he seems to always want to be eating or having his diaper changed. But he's a baby and he's cute and when I'm around him I have this urge to pick him up and hold him. But I restrain myself for all the aforementioned reasons. Also because I don't want to be the annoying person that comes over to only see their baby (Sam once mentioned that she hated that people first addressed and hugged August before her).

But anyway. Marie and I went to meet Noah and to see how Camille was doing and then a few days later we went back for her surprise birthday party. And I held him. Both times. And there is photographic proof:



Sincerely,
Jessica, the Closet Baby Lover

P.S. Here's Marie!