Easier Said Than Done.

I've been trying to figure out all day how I was going to articulate this...

Today as I was taking the trash out at work I was accosted by my old visiting teaching companion from this summer. Who, by the way, is intense and scary. And her name is Jessica. I was trying to be nice and polite, when at one point she told me that she thought that it was funny that people with the same names like other people with the same names. I was like "... what?" when she said "Archie." I was thinking... yeah, I guess that's interesting, when she told me that she had liked him for awhile when she found out that he was dating this girl in the ward. A girl that I know. A girl that I feel doesn't really have a personality and happens to be a return missionary studying MFHD. Anyway, apparently Jessica overheard him talking at ward prayer about how they've been on a few dates and how he really likes her, but he doesn't know if he wants to commit to dating her because he's so busy with work and school. I then proceeded to return to the mail room where I cried.

I guess I've been stupid and naive. I liked him so much. And I always hoped that it didn't work out not because we weren't compatible, so much as the timing was off. Thus, I hoped that in the future we would work out. It's hard because I felt like I had been lead into the situation. Not by roommates or friends, but I felt good about it. I felt like it was a good thing and what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't feel that with Dave. With Dave I felt like I was forcing the relationship because I wanted to be in one. With James... I felt good and natural. I felt like I could open up to him. I felt like I had met my match. And I've hoped for the last year that we would work out eventually. Hearing about his new found "friend" helped me realize that I've been hoping for something that wasn't ever going to happen. It was never about timing. It was just about him not liking me. But I liked him enough that I allowed myself to be blinded by my hope.

I feel like I can't hate him for it. He didn't mean for me to feel this way. I can't hate her for it. I had no claim on him, obviously. It just sucks to realize everything worked out this way. He may have been a big event in my life, but I was but a small hiccup in his. And now it's embarrassing to have to face him at Humor U. And this whole thing makes me think that maybe my only reason for trying for Humor U was to impress him. To show him that I was his equal, that he had met his match. I wanted to be in the picture. And this was the one way I knew I could be in his picture. And now I sound like a creep. But... maybe that's what I am.

It's also hard that she's what he wants. Really? I could never compete with that. I wouldn't want to. I have a brain and I choose to use it. I have thoughts and opinions. I refuse to make a career out of being a wife. I know that there's more to the world than staying at home. For me I want to make a positive difference in many people's lives. I want to live somewhere outside of Utah. I want to be a stand up person around other people that haven't grown up the way I have. I want to be an example. I want to reach equality with the opposite sex. I want to do my best with the gifts and talents that my Heavenly Father has given me, and I feel that if I were to stay home I'd be wasting them. My talents are not geared towards being a homemaker. For some women, they are. But for me... they're not. It's the simple truth. I could never be her, and for what's worth it, I wouldn't want to. And if that's the type of woman that he wants to be with... then I suppose that I don't want him. Maybe I never really wanted him but the idea of him. A man who was my equal to be in an equal partnership with. That's what I wanted. That was not what I was going to get.

And now it's up to me, I suppose, to have the hope and faith that there is someone out there for me. Someone out there that wants a feminist, chubby, great baker, intelligent, hilarious, outspoken and over opinionated wife, who wants a family but also wants to have a great career. Easier said than done.