Prayer

I've had a hard time praying lately.  While I've always had a hard time reading my scriptures, usually praying hasn't been an issue.  I've always been able (and even looked forward to) talking with my Heavenly Father at night before going to bed.

But lately, I lay in bed and bypass the prayer.  It's been going on for a few months now.

A couple of nights ago I was laying there and I felt that it was time to pray.

And I did. 

And I started to cry because I realized what was wrong.

Why should I believe that Heavenly Father hears and cares about my prayers?  Why should I believe that I am of any worth to him, when I sit in a weekly church meeting and consistently feel like I am not as good or as worthwhile as the men around me?

I'm so sick of the "women are wonderful" sentiments.  Because when Sunday School conversations are dominated by men and the women who do make comments are far and few between or pushed aside, that tells me something.  It tells me that my Church that preaches that women and men are equal doesn't actually act like it.  This isn't about Priesthood.  This isn't about men having access to more leadership callings than women.  It's not about any of that.  It's simply that from where I stand the men are more important to this church than women are.  Yes, the general authorities preach it from the pulpit that they owe their successes to their wives. 

Women are needed.  As the support system.  There's nothing wrong with having support, but when all of the supportive roles seem to be relegated to women or that the only times we hear about women are because of their supportive roles, it doesn't make it better.

And it's not just my feelings of inequality in the Church. 

Why would a loving, caring Heavenly Father that really loves His daughters let them be ruled over and abused by men and seen as inferior the world over for centuries?  Why would he let women slip between the lines of the scriptures except as prostitutes or women who made a difference because they were beautiful or married? 

It's not that I don't believe the Gospel is true.  That's the hard part.  I believe that it is true and yet I am so hurt by feeling that essentially I am not as useful to my Heavenly Father as my brothers are.  What is there for me to talk to Him about?  Because my personal problems do not really seem to interest him.  Because my personal problems, and those of many women around the world, are not being solved. 

I've come a long way from 7 months ago when I cried while praying because I was so thankful that a woman prayed in General Conference.  At this point, I'm just burned out from the constant reminder that I am a second hand citizen and always will be.  Even in the eyes of a church that speaks quietly of a Heavenly Mother and cuts me off completely from her by saying it's not appropriate to pray to her.  And from my point of view, even in the eyes of a loving Heavenly Father.