My Life Story: Jealous, Angry Little Girl

My earliest memories are of feeling angry and jealous.

In kindergarten I was upset because a little boy named Carol had brought something cooler than I had in for W Day.  He brought in a wax man.  It was like he and his dad had melted a candle into a mold of a person.  Everyone thought it was so cool.  I got jealous and my jealousy turned into anger.  When everyone was distracted I went to the cubbyholes where I saw that Carol had left his wax man standing up in his cubbyhole.  Angrily, I pushed it over with my finger.  When it fell over the head broke off of it.  I felt bad and gratified all at the same time.  I walked away.  Carol cried.  That wasn't the only time I made Carol cry.  I also made him cry when we were playing on the swings and I teased him so he would get off and give me a turn.

I remember going to Camille's house for her birthday.  Someone had given her a Sky Dancer, kind of like a Barbie that had foam wings that spun flying in the air.  The family that gave her a Sky Dancer had given me a Lion King play set, like Polly Pocket but with lion figurines.  I didn't want it.  I wanted a Sky Dancer.  I didn't do anything with my anger, but the feelings are some of my most vivid when I think about playing with Camille when I was younger.

Again I remember playing in our backyard near the citrus trees with my little brother.  My mom called me in to clean my room and I was white hot mad that I had to clean my room while Jacob got to play outside.  A little while later I heard Jacob screaming and crying from outside.  Bitterly I told my mom.  When she rushed outside he was nowhere to be found because he had climbed up the cinder block fence and a loose brick had caused him to fall into the neighbor's backyard, right into a rosebush with their pet chihuahua barking at him while the brick gave way and fell right on top of his skull.  There was lots of blood and my mom had to take him to the hospital where they stapled his scalp back together with five stitches, one for each year he had been alive.  My thoughts were that it served him right.  When they came home that night my mom had bought Jacob a Happy Meal.  Again I was mad that I had been slighted and not given McDonald's. 

All of these things happened before I was 7.  I don't know why such vivid memories of anger and jealousy stick out in my mind.  But this is a theme that I've carried around and just manifests itself in new ways.  In high school my anger led me to knocking a girl's tooth out (oh, let's talk about that one later) and now I feel like it's a destructive parasite eating away at my spirit and making me resent people who have good things happen to them (see this).  I also feel like this shows an undercurrent of entitlement.  I've always felt entitled to things, like I deserved them.  Here I am at 23 finally being served my humble pie as I am rejected from medical school, jobs and men.  I am not the greatest thing ever and as such, I need to stop feeling entitled to the blessings that others receive.  I need to let my anger and jealousy dissipate.  I need to learn how to keep myself in check.  I need to grow up and stop being a 7-year-old jealous and angry twit.

Some things I need to keep in mind:

"We are not diminished when someone else is added upon."
"Envy is... Downing another quart of pickle juice anytime anyone around you has a happy moment!"