How I Spent my Reading Day

One of my favorite classes at BYU has been Reproductive Physiology. No tests. One huge paper. A couple small assignments. In class lectures that are interesting but that we don't have to recall information from ever. Great, slightly awkward professor. Half the time our professor starts to say something and then will stop and say, "no, I shouldn't. Cathy (his wife) would kill me." Inevitably he'll tell us what it was, and it's almost always awkward and hilarious.

Someone brought up the fact that he should take us to the dairy farm that he performs his research at. He got so excited and most of us found ourselves in a van yesterday afternoon driving to Elberta, UT to stick our arms up a cow's anus. The stench was bad. Thankfully it was cold out and that helped keep the scent toned down. We put plastic booties over our shoes and calves. We were given two small blue gloves and one huge, long, armpit length glove to cover our sleeves.

One by one we started sticking our arms up (after Roy had cleared the fecal matter out) and following a huge pipet to the cervix and uterus. Some were farted on. Watching on I almost threw up multiple times. Finally, everyone had done it, except for me. Some had cow poop on their shoulders from the arm they had used to hold the tail aside. Some had cow crap splashed on their pant legs.

 I went over, cupped my hand and before I could change my mind my hand was inside the rectum of a cow. She was feisty. She didn't like it. As I pushed my arm further and further inward she started contracting and my arm felt like it would be swallowed whole by a snake. I tried to follow the pipet but couldn't find the end of it. Roy declared that my arm might be too short and I knew there was no way I was sticking it in further where the poop could touch my jacket. I shouldn't have worried too much about that. Next thing I knew the contractions were becoming more forceful and my arm was being pushed out. I didn't want to fight and I got kind of frightened so I pulled out real quick. Just as good ol' Bessie shatted.

My jacket. My pants. Poop was everywhere. This girl in the class helped me get my glove off and gave me back my phone with the evidence on it. Then, as nicely and calmly as she could muster after wiping poop off the back of my jeans she motioned to her face where she said, "oh, you have um... there's some on your chin right here." I tried to wipe it off with my cleanly gloved hand but she insisted it was still there and instructed me to just wipe it on my jacket because my jacket was a lost cause anyway.

 I spent my reading day having a cow shat on my face.