A Pre-Spring Night Stroll

Tonight I went to zumba after a very long hiatus. Afterward, Megan and I sat on a bench outside the RB. I was wearing basketball shorts (that used to be Marie's), my unshaven legs so hairy a dog would have thought they were his friend, and a lime green Helaman Halls short sleeve shirt. No jacket. I was sweaty, but the air was warm. We talked about this summer, how it's a possibility that we won't find jobs despite trying and may spend our very last lazy summer right here in Provo, spending weekends up the canyon and days reading in the shade of trees.

We parted. I made my way to the death stairs that head from the RB to the SWKT. The air was still and the sky was dark as I watched a crazy run laps on the stairs. Then I smelt it. The white cat piss trees. In the spring they're all over BYU and they give off a very distinct odor. I inhaled, remembering. I was near the Maeser trail, also known as Rape Hill. My mind went back to May 2009.

I used to walk that trail with Dave at night, even before we dated. I would insist that we take boxes of bread from the Cannon Center and cereal from the Creamery to feed the ducks at the duck pond, and instead of going through campus I would insist on walking the more scenic (and creepy) Maeser trail. He always indulged me.

I remembered when I went home for Mother's Day to surprise my mom. Dave and I talked on the phone every night while I was gone for hours. Jacob wondered who it was I was talking to, and I showed Dave's picture to him and Ashley. Ashley stated, "you're going to date him," as Jacob yelled "MY SISTER WILL NOT DATE A CREEPER!!!" When I got back to Provo the first thing I wanted to do was go to Merrill Hall. I stood on the stairs and threw rocks at his window. He came down and hung out with me and Rochelle. I wanted him to be excited to see me. I wanted him to date me. I thought it might just be possible.

I remembered laying on Holocaust blankets together outside of Taylor Hall, talking about life and love, getting closer when our coworkers walked by in order to convince them that we were dating even though we weren't. Hilary told everyone she saw us holding hands. We weren't. Hilary was out of town when we started dating for real. When she got back she said something along the lines of "Dave Emery has a girlfriend," and I said, "Yeah, it's me." It took her awhile to believe me.

As I walked through the tunnel that gives you a break before the final stretch of stairs I thought about a similar tunnel, the one that ran from Helaman Halls to the stretch of sidewalk below the Tanner that would eventually lead you to the RB. Some point after I admitted to Dave that I liked him we went on a night stroll to the duck pond. It was so late the sprinklers had come on and because of this, the tunnel was flooded and we couldn't continue. We decided to stay and wait for the sprinklers to turn off. We spent an hour sitting in that tunnel not talking, not looking at each other. The air was tense and sticky. My heart was heavy. We finally stood up and walked back to our separate buildings. Things weren't looking too good for me.

As I continued on my way to the Testing Center I thought about whether or not I would ever experience having a boyfriend again. Things aren't looking too good for me.

Now as I write this I remember the exact way Dave looked when he told me in the Merrill Hall lobby that he wanted to date me. That he was choosing me. And I remember the exact way I felt when he broke up with me not two months later. I remember the anger I felt when he told me he was dating Greasy Girl, when he was engaged after knowing a girl for two days, and when he told me about his new fiance last week.

Dave is not, and never was, a terrible person. He was good. He had issues, but so did I. We were not good together, and I don't think that either one of us really wanted to be with the other. While Dave cannot draw a straight line, while he wears his cell phone on his belt, while he looks like Sid the Sloth, while he cannot write a legible paper for anything, while he insists that a woman's place is the home and she should want nothing else, he is also kind and generous. And he puts his whole heart into everything.

These are the things I thought tonight, as the warm night air smelled of white cat pee blossoms.