Off Kilter

Sunday morning I woke up angry and full of despair. It hasn't really gone away yet.

I was mad about every little thing. I was sick and I didn't want to be. I didn't want to deal with my roommates, my ward, my friends, my family. I begrudgingly went to church and refused to go on our weekly presidency visits. Instead I went home, ate some soup, watched last week's Grey's Anatomy and took a four hour nap. When I woke up I ate more of the same soup and what remained of my Girl Scout Cookies. Then I got back in my bed and watched Netflix for a long time.

Yesterday I thought I was better. But as I sat at a table after my 8am class I decided that I did not want to go to my 10am class. Instead I continued sitting at the table doing a crossword. I walked to work and ran into someone I didn't want to see but couldn't avoid interacting with. I could tell they didn't want to interact with me either. I promptly crossed the street and wanted to shout from the depths of my being the f word. As I walked to work I got more and more angry. It was ridiculous, but I felt pure disgust and hatred. Last night I made Megan run errands with me and I ate myself to fullness with Malawi's pizza. And then I watched tv all night before going to bed.

This morning I felt it again. Instead of passionate hatred it's a wallowing depression. I skipped class this morning and instead worked on my latest book project. I don't like feeling this way at all. Unfortunately, I don't quite know how to get back to my regular self and the three new types of chocolate I bought yesterday are not helping in the slightest. I don't know why this happens. It just does. And during these times I not only hate everything and everyone around me, but I find myself detesting myself. I don't want to be around me! Ugh. Maybe I'll go have some Chef Boyarde and go into work.