I have pneumonia and it sucks. I don't feel like I'm dying anymore, but it sucks a lot. I cough all the time. All the time. And it gets aggravated if I go outside. I'm tired all the time. I walked to work today and after passing the duck pond I threw a fit inside wondering why there wasn't a bench around. Everything takes effort. Showering takes more effort than I have ever imagined. Brushing my hair. Brushing my teeth. Little things are exhausting. Work took everything out of me. There were so many packages. They just kept coming. A couple of times there was a line of a dozen people. And my body hurt.
After work I had to rush to an SEM lab. Scanning Electron Microscopy. It's a graduate level class that I'm taking for fun because I'm an idiot. Two of my former TAs are in this class. It's really intimidating and I'm scared out of my mind. The lab today was me, another student and the professor. He taught us the basics of the microscope. He's really nice, but I felt dumb because I wasn't in class on Thursday (pneumonia death day) and I didn't even have the lab sheets. Today I took a picture that resembled this:
They're tin balls. Microscopic tin balls. Literally when I loaded the microscope I had no idea what I was putting into it because I could not see it. I have to pick a project to do this with. I'm thinking bees. Or duck feathers. Or fish gills. The professor told me to go pick flowers from the greenhouse. I'm not that kind of girl, though.And how am I really doing? I'm so, so very tired. I feel it in my shoulders. I need to get my reading done for tomorrow and I cannot mentally handle it. I feel alone. I'm scared. I'm scared that I've missed too much class already and that I won't catch up. And to be perfectly honest, this whole pneumonia thing scares me. This illness kills people. And yes, I'm doing better, but I don't know if it'll keep getting better or if it will flare up again. And when will it actually fully go away? Because I can't go much longer feeling like this and having to take care of my classes. And I'm hungry all the time but I don't know what to eat that won't make me think about vomiting (no more chicken noodle... too much chicken noodle). I want my mom to call to see how I'm doing. For someone who really went into a frenzy over the word pneumonia she hasn't called once to see how I'm doing. I just don't know how long I can do this for. And I'm getting a new calling tomorrow night. Marie asked what my ideal calling would be and I realized that... I just don't want one. Which means that I just need to suck it up and do my calling for once. Primary. That's what I enjoyed the most. Obviously my single's ward does not have a primary.
I feel like crying all the time. But it takes too much energy to do so. And when I cry the words in my Developmental Bio book become even more confusing. But Friday I'm having lunch with Blake, if all goes well. And that is something that I can look forward to. Well, that and sleeping in on Friday. And maybe doing something fun with Marie on Saturday because she for once does not have a basketball game.
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