Nicknames

I had this really unsavory experience the other night at work.  I was working with my beautiful man coworker and playing with his stinking cute puppy, Zoey.  He said something like "Zoey, do you want to play with Jessica?"  And then followed up by saying he has another friend named Jessica that he calls "JJ Cakes." 

Let's be real.  This is the guy that I've literally been obsessing over for the last month.  I've decided that this obsession is not good for my mental health (or job happiness level) and I need to stop transferring my desires and hopes onto this young man.  And when he said that he has a friend that he calls "JJ Cakes" I literally wanted to throw up in my mouth.

First of all, what kind of a nickname is that?  Secondly, I can only imagine what a girl nicknamed "JJ Cakes" looks like.   I imagine fake blonde hair with a smoking hott body and a spray tan.  I also imagine someone that is not very intelligent, giggles a lot and strives to be a stay at home mom with a full time nanny (what is that?).  She also, in my mind, likes to go clubbing.  Yes, I'm making assumptions and judging.

But then he continued on to say that he would never call me "JJ Cakes" because I'm nothing like a "JJ Cakes."  No, instead, my  nickname would be "Hessica" (think Jessica with a Spanish accent).  And then I realized what he must have thought of me.  He was fully aware that I was not JJ Cakes material.  Instead, I am the overweight friend that you would have cheated off of in high school who would have let you because you were cute and had more friends and every once in awhile you threw a wink at her that made her feel special so she would do whatever the freak you wanted her to.

I don't know what upset me more.  That he came up with the name "JJ Cakes" for an adult woman, that he has a friend who is appropriately referred to as "JJ Cakes," or that somehow everyone knows that I am an undateable loser. 

There is always artificial insemination.

And a Church disciplinary council afterward for taking the powers of procreation into my own baby hungry hands.