Privacy

Life has been different lately.  I got promoted to nurse intern.  Sam and August came to visit me from Oxnard.  My younger brother is currently in a psychiatric institution.  I got a calling at church.  I'm making new friends and seeing crazy things happen around me.  I've become entwined with the podcast "Serial."  I've had the flu--twice.

I want to remember how these things are effecting me.  I want to remember all the funny things August said to me, like:
"I was wondering, "did JessJess go to the gym?"
"I'm going to give this to my new best friend, Kyle."
"JessJess, you sound just like the girl in this song!"
"Don't I look so adorable in this picture?"
"I can't sleep in there!  I'm used to the couch, I like the flowers... and there's a picture of Salad Fingers in there that will give me nightmares!"

And I don't know if I'll ever forget Sam saying, "You're a pretty private person, JessJess," because I've never thought of myself as such.

I want to remember taking them to Bay's Mountain to look at the wolves and how we broke ice off of the lake from the floating bridge to toss at the rest of the ice, and how cool it sounded to shake the bridge because you could hear lots of ice cracking.  I want to remember August pointing out the "wolf's tail" hiding behind a log that was actually a dead carcass the wolves had left behind.  I want to remember picking up Kyle from the mechanic's and him whipping his head back to look at August and exclaim, "August, do you like My Little Pony?!"

I've been struggling lately, and I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it.  Emily's in Nashville, Marie is MIA and I can't figure out how to be open with Kyle.

I've been reading a lot (and having this come up in conversation around me) that Heavenly Father has a very specific plan for us individually.  I fully believe this.  I fully believe that He has a plan that will make me happier than my plans for myself would make me.  But... I've also gotten to this point where I'm fully aware that I'm an overweight, liberal feminist Mormon who is now 26 years old.  And I'm now almost 100% convinced that this is my life.  That there isn't someone for me to marry out there.  And I know that we all have our different struggles and maybe you're thinking that this is just a phase and I'm being pessimistic and that everyone goes through periods of singlehood.  But I think that my singlehood might just be permanent and I don't know how to handle that and I think I'm being realistic about my situation.  I don't fully understand why it's gotten to the point that most of my friends are on the marriage track and I find myself off of it.  I imagine myself single at 30 and... it's hard but I can see it.  But then at 40, 55, 70... Is this really just my life?  Is this what Heavenly Father has planned for me?  Why could I, or how could I, be happier single for the rest of my life than married?  Why is motherhood off the table for me?  I know I hash this over and over but it's just so real to me.  And I think that I believe that there is a happy plan for me and that I'll be okay and proud of myself in 50 years but I wonder--is this really the happiest I'll get?  How do I continue to be happy for others receiving blessings that seem to not be on my course?

I worry about getting close to men.  I'm worried that I'll start to feel for them.  And then when they don't have the same feelings back I'll assume that it's because I'm not enough or too much.  I don't want to invest anymore.  I don't want to be somewhere two years down the road wondering why nothing ever happened or why I wasn't good enough.  Because I know what's wrong with me, let's be real.  No one knows better than yourself what is wrong with you.  I wish I had enough faith in Heavenly Father to believe that I could be happy with this life.  I believe that love exists.  But I don't believe that it exists for me.  That's the long and short of it, I suppose.