I go through these cycles where I feel really uplifted in life and everything is shiny and wonderful... and then they are dark and twisty and awful and it's like I'm walking alone in this world. I'd been on a down for a couple of weeks when things started to happen. It started with Institute last week when Kyle was supposed to teach and instead showed us a video where Elder Holland answers a bunch of questions. It made me think a lot of good thoughts. [Aside: Sister Holland also gave input on a few things and she gave this lovely lovely spiel about how Jacob worked super hard for Rachel and Leah was kind of a let down, only for Leah to end up being the prized wife in the end according to Jewish literature--this was really important for me to hear for some reason.] One of the things that was said was that as you follow the promptings of the spirit you will be given more promptings to follow, and as you deliberately ignore them then you will be given less opportunities to follow it.
Then: Friday I drove Kyle to Asheville to look at a car and he mentioned something he had said to our mutual friend on the phone earlier in the week--that sometimes we live with the spirit in our lives and other times we just remember times when we did. [another aside: the word "remember" has seemed really heavy to me recently and full of meaning and I can't shake it or make sense of it.] And I realized, "oh, yeah, I know this and right now I'm remembering previous times which almost makes it worse because I know how I'd like to be feeling."
Armed with these things I went to my friend Kricket's baptism. [again, an aside: isn't that name fabulous? Can we please take a minute to picture me having a three year old girl with curly brown hair and big hazel eyes answering to the name of Kricket?] I had previously agreed to give a prayer, because when someone asks you to pray at their baptism you just have to say yes. Anyway, I show up and call previously mentioned mutual friend Sydney to see if she and Kricket are already at the church, because I showed up early in case they needed anything. Annnnnd Sydney tells me that Kricket is MIA and not getting baptized that day. But I'm already screwed because someone else is getting baptized so I still need to give a prayer and it's (of course) the closing prayer. So I'm sitting there as this man in my ward gives a short and sweet four minute message about baptism, at which point I start to think about how I was baptized when I was 10 and how my uncle baptized me and my younger brother, Jacob one after the other. And then we went and watched the woman get baptized and I zeroed in on the woman's hands in the missionary's hands and it made me remember how my uncle had us practice with him in our living room so we would know how to plug our noses and not drown. And then I had this aha moment when I realized what a great influence my uncle had been when I was growing up and how he was a positive male role model and I actually had another man to add to my list of good men that I knew. And I very, very strongly felt like I needed to email him and tell him about this.
So I did. I wrote him an email. And at the end I started crying and realized I should read it to my mom. So I called her bawling like an idiot and explained what had happened and how I wanted to read it to her and she started bawling and we were both just blubbering fools. And I read her this:
Dear Kenneth,Annnnnd he responded with this:
Yesterday I went to a baptism for a friend of mine. She ended up not getting baptized because her family put her on lock down (the south is so... different) but I was already at the chapel and another person was getting baptized anyway. So I stayed. The speaker talking about baptism made me think about my own baptism. And then when we went to the font I saw the way the missionary held the woman's hands prior to dunking her and it made me think about how we practiced before I was baptized. We were in my living room and you showed me and Jacob how you would hold our hands and what hand we should use to plug our noses so we wouldn't drown. It was this memory that really struck me.
Since moving to Tennessee I have become good friends with a man named Kyle. When we became friends I laughed that he was my first guy friend who wasn't gay. Because that's true. I went to BYU and made friends with guys and after awhile they would always always tell me that they were gay. I've talked with Kyle a lot about how in my life men have done some not so great things. I dated a boy a few years ago who told me he didn't want to marry me because it wasn't worth taking on debt if I ended up going to medical school. I spent a lot of time with another guy who was really manipulative and pressured me to have sex with him and wouldn't let me be friends with other guys. I'd go to church activities with my friend Marie and guys would come up to us in the middle of our conversation and situate themselves between me and Marie (with their backs to me, blocking me out of the conversation) and ignoring me whenever I spoke up. I've had a man moo at me when I was walking down the street. And, well, I've struggled with my dad over the years. It's better between us now, but it wasn't always. What I remember about him from growing up is being scared. Like I couldn't breathe. Like anything I did or said was wrong. I can't think of a lot of specific moments. I remember him calling me fat and ugly. I remember him hitting Jacob. But mostly I remember how he made me feel and it wasn't good. Anyway, I bring this up because Kyle and I had a conversation that focused on the fact that marriage covenants required a lot of trust. And I realized that I just don't trust men in general. I don't trust them to treat me nicely or even like I'm a human being. I don't trust them to not treat me as an object. I don't trust them to not hurt me, physically or emotionally. And while talking to Kyle about this I realized that if I sat down and thought about the men I knew, the GOOD men that I knew, I would have exactly two names. And it really, really bothered me. I didn't like that I couldn't think of many men that I knew that hadn't been trustworthy for whatever reason.
Anyway, at the baptism, remembering you practicing with me and Jacob, I remembered that it wasn't just two good men that I knew. There are three. I remember you coming over all the time. I remember you taking us to movies and us pretending that we were driving in a space ship. I remember waiting until the credits ended to see if our names were anywhere in them. I remember you wrote stories and named the characters after us. You taught us weird songs like "Found a Peanut." You made an egg shaped candle for me with the picture of a boy in my sixth grade class on it that I had a crush on. You were good, you were present, you were involved and you cared. Again, I don't remember a lot of specific incidences (like I don't with my dad) but I remember the way that you made me feel and you made me feel important, special, and loved. I know that if you asked Jacob and Jason they would have the same things to say about you. I'm really, really grateful that you were a positive male role model in my life. Thank you for taking the time to be in our lives. I can't tell you enough how much it means to me. I'm sure it meant a lot to me as a little girl, but it takes on a whole new meaning now. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being a good, Christlike man in my life.
Love,
Jessica
Hello Jessica,And... Like 90% of that was not something I was expecting, wanting, or anything. I like, don't even know. I tell you that men are jerks and that you were a good influence on me and your response is "those men don't understand their Priesthood responsibility that you wouldn't want to hold anyway because it's too much responsibility and women are more righteous than men."
It is great to hear from you again. I am sorry that those guys were jerks to you. They don't know what they are missing.
Keep strong and always do what is right. Without wanting to get preachy, I want you to realize something. You are a daughter of Heavenly Father. Think about what that really means.
It is said so much in church and other places that it seems to lose it's meaning. But it is true. I have come to realize it over the years. I have also come to learn that his daughters are more special to him then his sons. Think about it. Only guys can have the priesthood. I don't think people realize what a responsibility that is. Take a Bishop for example. He is responsible for the salvation of every soul that lives within his ward boundaries. Member or not. Would you really like to have that responsibility? We have to work hard.
Not only do guys have the priesthood responsibility for their church duties, but one of the greatest responsibilities that they have is to care for the daughters of our Heavenly father. If priesthood holders do not take care of the daughters of God, what do you think will happen.
Unfortunately you have been around several guys who do not realize this. I suggest that you only seek to be with guys who realize who they are, and what the responsibility of the priesthood really is.
Work on your relationship with your Father in Heaven. Remember who you are. Remember that we once lived with him. When we lived with him, we were amazed at who he was and what he can do. We wanted to become like him. I don't mean like some all powerful being that can destroy planets with a flick of his finger, but an amazing person. Someone who loved us. Someone who was wise. Someone who would do anything for us to be happy. We wanted the attributes that he has.
He taught us that he was the way he is because of his experiences. We wanted the opportunity to have those experiences, so plans were made for us to come to Earth. Think about what happened there. He let his children come up with plans for how this life could work out. He let us choose which plan we wanted to follow. Our learning began before we came here.
Some of us haven't yet learned of why we are here, and others have forgotten. They are the ones who have been stumbling blocks in your life. Don't you forget who you are and why you are hear. Realize that your Father want's you to be happy and he wants to help you, but he wants you to learn.
After your baptism, you were given a gift that many of us have received, but we never really learned to use it. If you learn to use this gift, and exercise it well, he will guide you to the son that is right for you.
I am not saying go ultra religious, that isn't what God wants for us. He is realistic.
I was talking to my Aunt Gloria and she said that her mother gave her some advice when it came to looking for a man. He told her to find somebody who was righteous enough to be an apostle. I think that is a bit extreme, but it is a good point. What are the attributes that a man of God has? (Remember that religious extremism isn't one of them.)
Enough preaching.
Jessica, I had a great time with you and your brothers. I loved spending time with you all. You are my family and always will be. If you ever feel up to it, come visit. If things don't work out and you need a place to crash for a while, come.
I will always love you guys, and I hope to always be there when you need me. Next time I won't be so preachy. (Unless you want to talk about that)
That was a let down. But the feeling I had writing it and sharing it with my mom was really good. So. Maybe there was a point in it after all.
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