For some reason the other day I was at Target and I bought this book called Loose Girl: Memoirs of Promiscuity. While lying on the beach with David and Jacob I read it aloud, and got yelled at for the explicit content by my little brother. Explicit content? The name of the book sounds like it would have been very explicit, but it wasn't. And I had my reasons for reading it.
The book was the author's story of how she wanted to feel wanted and so she threw herself into the arms of many (upwards of 50) men. She hoped that by having intimate relations with them she would feel loved. In the end, she realized her behavior wasn't helping at all and reformed herself. And although there were dozens of sexual encounters in the book the author had a way of writing it that told the facts but kept it as clean as possible. This was no Harlequin romance novel.
I read it because it is often how I feel. I feel like I can only feel love through physical touch. While dating Dave I hoped that by kissing all the time it would take away any pain that I had and make me feel loved, wanted and desired. It didn't. It never did. It made me feel dirty and disgusting. I was ashamed (and still am) of what I was doing. I wonder if the reason that I am so touchy feely is because I still feel that the only way a man could love me is through a physical nature. Why do people feel this way?
Why can't I just realize that people (including men) will want to be around me just because I'm smart, funny and full of good fun? Maybe I think and believe this, but feel that no man will ever LOVE me for these things. And in order to make him LOVE me like I want him to, I need to include a physical relationship.
Which is part of the destructive cycle. Dave obviously didn't love me. I know that. I've always known that. He enjoyed the physical aspect of the relationship and didn't want to let it go, but as soon as I didn't want it to be physical he didn't want the relationship. I don't want someone that doesn't want me, the real me inside this body up for public viewing. And that's why it's time for me to stop basing male/female relationships on touch. As hard as it might be.
Minnie And Me
2 weeks ago
1 comment:
I'm so glad that there are others out there like me. I think this is natural Jessica. PHysical Touch is just our love language - which there is nothing wrong with that but I think your right in the fact that we can't base relationships on that. But here is the quesiton of the day? What should we base it on? What else is important to us?
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