I'm Afraid.

I'm afraid of failing.
I'm afraid of letting people know how I really feel about them.
I'm afraid of letting people in.
I'm afraid of life.
I'm afraid of leaving BYU.
I'm afraid of never leaving BYU.
I'm afraid of med school.
I'm afraid of not getting into med school.
I'm afraid of never finding someone I can convince to marry me.
I'm afraid of never being a mother.
I'm afraid of trying and not succeeding.
I'm afraid of meeting new people.
I'm afraid to touch people.
I'm afraid to let people touch me.
I'm afraid of being alone forever.
I'm afraid to love the gospel.
I'm afraid to feel emotion in church.
I'm afraid of men.
I'm afraid of letting people know just how sensitive I am.
I'm afraid of being hurt.

And to aleviate my fears, I build up this wall. This wall is supposed to protect me from people that I could care about. Because if I never really care about a person then they can never really hurt me. If I bottle up how I feel about marriage and motherhood then no one will ever know how important these things are to me, because if no one ever knows then they'll never know just how hurt I'll be if they don't pan out. I don't like to touch people because it shows them how much they matter to me. And if they mean too much to me then I'll cry when they're gone. I block my feelings about the gospel and fight the spirit because I don't want anyone to know how I feel inside. I'm scared of my dependence upon other people because once I love someone and depend upon them being there, I'm afraid that they'll leave.

I build a wall because I don't want people to think that I can be hurt, because I cry and hurt more than I'd like to admit. I'm rude and abrasive. I'm overbearing. I'm masculine and uncaring. I'm monotone. I'm selfish. I'm physical. I try to appear to be tougher than anyone around me. Because I like to pretend that I don't need anyone. It's easier that way.

I think about not getting married or having a baby and I cry. I think about never seeing Boyd and Hayley again and I cry. I think about people finding out what's in my heart and I run. I think about people not liking the real Jessica and I get scared. Truthfully, I am a very sensitive person. But it's easier for me to pretend to be tough than to let everyone know how scared and sensitive I am. Trust me, I love much more than I like to pretend. I love you. Well, I love most of you. That was just blatant honesty rather than defensive tactics, I assure you. But I do. I have a heart. I think about you. I care about you. I pray for you. I think about not having you in my life and I cry. Because you are my people. I just prefer not to let you know.