Growth

My family was really surprised when I told them that I had tried stand-up comedy. Their quiet little Jessica getting on stage in front of a room full of people baffled them. My parents both mention this every single time we talk on the phone. "I'm really surprised that you can do that. I never would have expected it from you."

Other people have mentioned how brave I am to walk up on that stage and tell jokes for minutes at a time with people having no where to look except at me. I kid you not, I am terrified every single time I do it. We're talking crapping my pants terrified. My heart races. My palms sweat. My stomach desires to empty its contents. I wonder if it is too late to get up and leave the room. But I do it. I get up in front of people and make jokes in spite of my fear. And that is what makes me feel brave. Not that I am fearless, but that I do it in spite of being "crap my pants terrified".

Why do I do it? I feel like it's a common question people wonder. Especially when they do know how difficult it is for me. At first I auditioned for Humor U out of a desire for validation. I thought I was funny, and so did those around me. But them telling me that I was funny would validate my humor. Lets be honest, I also wanted to be closer to James. And then they didn't like me. So I tried again. This time I felt compelled to try. The second time wasn't for them but for me. I needed to let myself know that they did not define me. They hadn't thought that I was funny and I needed to prove to myself that they had not ruined me. I did exceptionally.

Fearfully I started going to club meetings as now I felt like I had something to share and a desire to be in a show to share with others. From this point on it became a matter of me sharing what I felt my only talent was with an audience. It worked and then it didn't. And I was hurt. And for some stupid reason I decided to give it one last shot. Last Wednesday.

I wanted to not do it. I really felt like there was no point. Did I really even want Humor U anymore? I don't know. But I did it for fun. I decided that if nothing else I would be entertaining the dozen people that had come to watch me specifically. I did well. And I've been invited back again. And it's hard because I've finally realized that yes, this is my talent. This is my one shareable talent that my Heavenly Father has given me. I can make people laugh. But I can make a difference without doing it on a stage. I can brighten people's days. And I do. I make people laugh on a daily basis without even really trying. And I have realized that this is enough. It is enough for me to share my talent with those close to me. It wouldn't be hiding it under a bushel. I would still be sharing it even if it wasn't with complete strangers who paid to see it.

So yes, I'm going to be going to club meetings again. I'll try to come up with clever and witty jokes to impress the cast members. I'll prepare a greenspot for June. But when it comes down to it, I'm quite alright not being a full cast member. I feel like I've learned so much about myself through stand-up in the last few months. I've been blessed to meet some really funny people. I've gotten to perform in front of 8 different audiences. I've had complete strangers tell me they saw me perform and that I was hilarious. My self esteem has grown. My gratitude has grown. I am more comfortable with who I am. I have had something and I won't lose it just because I don't perform regularly. I will always know that I have made rooms of people laugh. And I will always know that my family and friends think that I am the funniest person that they have ever met. And I know that I am using my talent and blessing those around me.