In Which I Explain

I think that I should probably clarify my last blog post.  Everything is fine.  I haven't done anything wildly inappropriate.  Maybe nothing even mildly inappropriate.  Let's just get on with it.

There's this 21-year-old red headed boy at my church who I recently became friends with.  We were friends... and then he started coming on to me.  But he's a big joker and it was hard to tell if he was actually flirting and interested or if he was just being funny.  I mean, one of the first things I ever said to him was to point at a picture of a little girl with curly red hair to say, "we could make a baby that looked like that."  So, he was being flirty.  And I finally told him that I couldn't decide if he was being flirty or just being ridiculous.  And one thing led to another and while we both decided that we didn't really want a relationship, we were down for cuddling.  And this begins my friends with benefits situation.

We're just friends.  I seriously have no interest in being his girlfriend.  There are other guys I'm interested in.  He talks about the girls he's interested in.  We just watch movies and cuddle and kiss and talk.  And we don't talk about it with people at church.  That's rule number 2.  Rule number 3 is that we follow the Law of Chastity.  Because I may be in a friends with benefits kind of mood, but I'm not in a repenting kind of mood.  I don't want to do that.  It seems terribly awkward and awful.

It's such a conflicting thing.  Because we're two very consenting adults.  We're very open about the situation with each other.  We set limits.  He won't do anything unless I absolutely tell him that it's okay, and not only okay but that I want him to.  It's low key and fun and feels good and we're both into it and nothing about it is personal.  But it also makes me feel like a slut.  Like I'm using this guy for his body.  Which I am.  But he's also using me for mine.  And we're both fully aware of it, so that should take that feeling away, but it doesn't.  There's this guilt I feel, like I'm letting people down.  Like people would think less of me if they found out.  I can just imagine the look on their faces.  The condescending, "you're doing what?"  And because there's an age difference I wonder if I'm forcing him into something (which is ridiculous because we've hashed it over and I'm definitely not).  I worry about the consequences of my actions here.  How is this effecting me spiritually?  Am I backsliding?  Is this an absolutely horrible idea?

I really think it might be (because I'm pretty much slut shaming myself) but also, I'm going to do it anyway.  Because I'm 26 years old, it's been six years since the last time I dated/kissed anyone, and you know what?  I just want to.  That's all there really is to it.