Not Exactly What I Expected

Do you ever imagine how you'll feel when something happens?  When I was getting ready to graduate from college I expected that there would be this moment where I would be getting ready for the ceremony.  I would be alone in my room and my gown would be hanging up on my closet and I would feel nostalgic and proud and like "this is it."  But when real life happened things were way too busy.  I had family everywhere, we were planning a party, Sam was staying in my room and basically there was not a moment to be alone and to soak it all in. 

I imagined that getting accepted into nursing school would look like something specific.  It would be a sunny day.  I would be checking the mail on my way to or from work.  There would be an envelope.  Maybe it wouldn't be big.  Maybe it would be a surprise because I would think it was a letter asking for more information.  And when I would open it I would be filled with so much hope and happiness that I may cry like a baby as I called my family and friends.  And then there would be a big Facebook announcement. 

It didn't happen like that.

On Friday I talked to Levi about going to nursing school.  I needed to run some errands before I had fun with my new friend Haley.  I needed to mail in my rent check and I went to my email to get the address for Christina's parents.  In my email there were two emails from East Tennessee State University.  The first one was instructions on how to accept my position in their program.  The second was a rejection letter, quickly followed by an acceptance letter and an apology for the first letter.  And I was shocked.  Mostly because it was so unexpected in timing.  I thought I wouldn't hear back until April.  And then I started to ugly cry.  And it wasn't a good cry, either. 

So many things hit me all at once.  I was heart broken.  Maybe part of me didn't expect to actually get in.  Maybe I kind of thought I'd be in Provo a bit longer.  I think mostly it was the thought of leaving Marie.  What do I do without her?  I feel like I've been struggling with her a lot the last few weeks.  I literally hid in a rack of coats at JC Penney because I was freaked out that she was growing up all at once and all too fast for me, leaving me behind.  I didn't want it to end like this.  I wanted to spend a perfect goodbye summer with her, feeling like I was the most important person in her life and going on some crazy trip, culminating in her driving with me to wherever I was moving as a final hurrah.  The last thing I wanted was to leave full of insecurities, full of thoughts about her forgetting me in a day and moving on, full of regrets for how our last moments were spent together, having never shared a hotel bed or gone camping together or hiked Timp together or gone to the Grand Canyon together.

What am I supposed to do in a life where Marie is not my constant?

The very last thing I wanted from her was congratulations.  I wanted her to be as broken up about the possibility of my leaving as I was. 

I'm literally terrified, because, well, it's happening.  Even if I don't get in anywhere else I have a spot at some small school in northeast Tennessee, where there exists no young adult ward, no institute, and no friendly comforts.  And if I don't get accepted to the other two schools I'd like to go to, then I'm out of here in May, instead of August like I'd originally planned.  It's so soon.  It's too soon.  It feels like it's  pressing down on me and all I want to do is have a minor to major freak out.  Maybe with wailing and gnashing of teeth.  With chocolate.  And crying on the living room floor because that's how I've rolled in the past.