Sometimes I'm a Little Bit Lost

If you're not a stranger to my blog you've probably realized that I'm a dirty f word... a feminist. Getting it out in the open now, I am not a man hating, family hating feminist. In fact, I do not know a single feminist that is. The feminists that I know, that I identify myself with, believe that women have the ability to make choices in their lives. We can choose to go to school, to work, to have a family or a career, to have a family and a career. Our decisions are made by us and involve input from those important to the decision, such as a husband and our Heavenly Father. The feminists I know (and belong to) believe that men and women are equal, 100%. And getting it out right now, I don't believe the "equal but different" thing because to me it sounds a lot like "separate but equal." We are either equal or we are not. We may have different gifts and talents, but we have different gifts and talents among our gender as well. There are some more nurturing men than me out there.

I have a hard time sitting in church some days. All I hear in Relief Society is that I should be a homemaker--a wife and a mother. But the truth of the matter is that I don't want to just be a homemaker. While I know that this is the right path for some women, it is not what I see myself doing. I imagine myself organizing play dates and carpools and all along I have a gun in my purse waiting for the perfect moment to off myself. I don't want a job, either. I want a career. This is something that I've grown up wanting and maybe it's because my mom worked. I don't know. But... I don't just want a career.

In my head I picture this three or four-year-old girl. She has curly dark brown hair. It's long. And she has these sparkling green eyes that make you feel like you're sharing a secret. She has a wide and goofy smile. She's smart, gentle and kind. She likes to laugh. And I want her. I want her a lot. And I think about whether I want her or medical school more. Luckily, I don't have to choose because she isn't even an option right now.

The other day I was visiting with an apartment of girls in my ward to see how they were doing. One girl was studying for the GRE and about to apply to grad school. She seemed sad as she expressed that she guessed she was going to be a career woman after all. It wasn't at all what she most wanted in life and I felt her pain. I too wish that I had the option of not being a career woman, if only for the package it would be bringing along with it of a family.

Last week I got a text from a friend asking me if I thought that they could be happy with a family. And before I even started thinking about the answer to their question I thought, "could I be happy without a family?" Could I? Could I really be happy and fulfilled without being married and being a mother? I imagine myself two or three years from now. I go to school or work all day. I get home. I study, read, watch tv. Eat dinner by myself over the kitchen sink. Get ready for bed and cuddle my cat as I fall asleep. And the next day I do it all over again. It's not the life I've ever seen myself having and yet it is becoming more real everyday.

I want both. I want both and I feel screwed. I feel screwed because there are women out there who are engaged or married, with or without children and they have the option of being a wife and a mother and also having a career. They get to choose. I do not have that option. I have no other option right now except for finding a career.

Sometimes there are harder things than having to make a choice. Like not being able to make a choice at all.