Bread

Boyd and Hayley have now been in Charlotte for a week. I think I previously mentioned that I inherited some of their belongings prior to this move of their's. Does it make things a little easier? No. Not really. For example, it took me and my roommate a good ten minutes to figure out how to put the pan in the bread maker but due to time zones and such I didn't call to ask. Anyway.

Boyd and Hayley are practically psychic. They left me their bread maker, rice cooker, three fans and some board games. Last night it was sweltering in my apartment. I'm not even kidding. We put the fans to good use and put one in each bedroom. We found out this morning that, although loud, the swamp cooler does work, but only in the living room. But last night it was so hot that I went to sleep with only a sheet on top of me, window wide open, fan a foot from my body on full blast, wearing a tank top and shorts. I almost went without the shorts, let's be honest.

Last night I also broke out the bread machine for the first time. I made a garlic rosemary loaf, and I used rosemary from my little herb garden. It was so exciting! Amber, Shelby and I sat at the table and ate just about the entire thing in one sitting. It was delicious. This is not a joke or an exaggeration. In fact, it was so good that tonight I've got bread in the machine once more and when I get out of the shower tomorrow I will take out my fresh loaf of apple pie bread. I know. Delicious. But bottom line is that I am in love with this bread machine. Who ever thought that they were so amazing? Love it.

But I had another moment of weakness tonight. Sometimes I think that I am doing really well and other times... I suck. Recently (I don't know if a person said it or if I read it in a book or what) I heard the advice that there's no reason for me to freak out about marriage because I'm 22 and I'm going to live AT LEAST another 50 years and eternity is a lot longer than that. Waiting for the right one will be worth it, right? But here's the thing. I really struggle with putting myself out there. Not only does it take every single fiber of my being to flirt with the cute boy sitting next to me at a wedding, but it takes just as much energy and gumption for me to go downstairs for ward prayer, or to sum up the courage to go to the ward break the fast or FHE. And let's not even mention how badly I want to go to the boys' next door for their Monday night symposiums. But it is really hard for me. I sit at these things and I try to make small talk and I feel like a fool. It zaps every ounce of energy to sit there and find something to talk about. And I feel like what we talk about are surface things or things that I'm not at all interested in. Oh, your experiences surfing? Don't care. How many different Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles establishments you have been to? Stop bragging. And I know that the last thing that boys want me to talk about at these things are my feminist ideals, my garden or my desire to be a doctor. They just don't get it. Granted, most women don't get it, either. But it's miserable to be this girl who has bitten too much off to chew.

Saturday night one of my roommates went on a date. This weekend two different roommates have dates. Seriously? In two weeks 3 of the 5 of us will go on dates. And I am no closer to interesting a guy in the ward to go out with me than I was 6 weeks ago. It's just discouraging. And I love my roommates, can we not get that across? 3 of them have served missions and are freaking awesome and I think that they deserve the best (and I want to hang out with them). But I am also easily moved to jealousy. Have I not been to (most of) the same ward events? Have I not sat with them and tried to chat people up? I suck at this.

So tonight, as I peeled and diced the apples for my bread I thought about how everything that I am learning is going to waste. Here I am gardening and baking bread, studying for the MCAT, learning furniture painting techniques online and owning a pretty good start up library in my living room and at this point it doesn't look like it will be benefiting anyone in the near distant future. Shelby talked about how every single night her mom would turn the bread machine on so they could have fresh bread in the morning. Not that I want to do that all the time, but my talents are going to waste. I imagine those four future babies sitting up there in Heaven watching me and thinking "gee, Mom sure is pretty awesome but at the rate she's going we're going to meet her in the Celestial Kingdom".

And then I wonder... maybe I should advertise myself? Does that come across as too desperate? Am I even desperate? Because sometimes I think that I'm really lucky that I don't date because I'm not distracted from the MCAT and I'll be able to go to medical school (provided I get in) anywhere I want without consulting another who's life it would effect. But... then I think that I will not be lucky to have to move all the way across the country to a place I know nothing about and live in an apartment, without a husband.

Are you sick of my pity party musings yet? I sure am. But maybe at my next ward event I can bat my eyelashes and pretend that I have zero aspiration in life and that the most fascinating thing I have ever heard is currently coming out of a young man's mouth. I will experiment and report on my findings.